Trying to Concieve Stole My Sanity

The Hormonal Fog is Clearing

2012-02-08T16:55:00.001-07:00

Wow, I was in a pretty dark place the other day. I had a bad 3-4 days there, just feeling like my world was crashing down on me. Luckily I was able to vent to a friend and get it all off my chest, and I have felt so much better since. Hubby and I had a good chat and spent some alone time together too last night. I have just had so much on my plate without the ability of taking a break and it was just piling on top of me.
Today was a good day, Isaac and I went down to our lower lever (we have a 4 level split) and helped me put the nursery together. He helped take packaging off bottles and such, we organized the shelf in the babies room, and we cleared the clutter out. He was such a big help. 3 is such a good age. It was a nice break from sitting on the couch sucked into the computer or TV for the time we were down there. We then played with some toys and I watched him ride his bike in circles in the basement. When I feel the nursery is almost complete, or when hubs finally brings the crib over from his parents basement and we set it up, then I will take pictures and post them of the nursery. Have my fetal echo ultrasound on the 13th, so I will update then. ttfn :D

10 years, pregnancy depression and grief.

2012-02-06T23:36:00.000-07:00

10 Years ago, February 7th, after 36 hours of irregular contractions, slow progress and 7 hours of pushing; I welcomed my first born child into this world. He was 7lbs and 12oz, he was long, had giant hands, a beautiful smile, blue eyes and blonde hair. He was the product of two people, who when he was conceived, loved eachother very much, but grew apart and lived seperate lives. His mother was a 17 year old highschool drop out who was not ready to let go of her daddy and become a mother on her own. She made mistakes and took highschool love for granted. She made the hardest decision in her life to give this child everything she could not give him. If you could raise a baby on love, we would have been set. I had so much love for him. I placed him for open adoption. I named him, Michael Brennen, I recieved documents with his name on them, I kept his bracelets, blankets....but this loss of a child, though I took it all home in a box, I was able to see whenever I please. I didn't. I completely disassosiated myself from him, afraid of interfearing. I did go to his christening, I hosted to a presentation at my old highschool about adoption with him and his adopted mom, since it was so taboo there. He was only a few weeks old, maybe 4 months at the most. Then I didn't see him until his 1st birthday....Then not again until he was 5. Not that I didn't keep in touch. But as I said, I was afraid of interfearing.
For some reason I find this incredibly bittersweet. It was as if my adult life started me out for loss. This loss is not one I have ever gotten over though. It still hurts, but its a different hurt, the pain isnt sharp anymore, its a dull ache in my heart that only apprears sometimes.... But it does mark an entire decade of trying to become a mother....I have more or less been pregnant for 10 years. We have a good relationship now, especially since having Isaac, they share an awesome bond.
On the topic of loss. I am hurting more and more each day. I feel selfish for grieving over Alexander. That I am not allowed to for some reason. But, I have reached that point of inability to hold it in anymore. I cry, and I am angry and I hate it. My eyes are never dry, and my heart aches all the time. My husband doesn't get it. It sucks to feel this way all the time.

Is this Fear?

2012-01-22T23:46:00.004-07:00

I have been having a lot of overwhelming feelings lately. I don't know why. It could be hormones I suppose. I was told many years ago that it was likely I couldn't carry girls, but then again, I was also told that I would never have a baby, and Isaac is proof that I obviously can. Everything almost seems to good to be true. I still have so much time left, but considering how quickly the first half of this pregnancy went, I am sure that the second half will go just as quickly. I notice that since I take things day by day that it goes by a lot quicker. I don't panic about ultrasound until 3 or so days before, where as before I would obsess about them. I am scared, genuinely, and I guess I have every right to be. The baby is very posterior, although I have an Anterior placenta, the baby likes to hang out in the back, which means now that she is bigger, she likes to hide, and I can't feel her, so nearly daily I go through this obsessive, "OMG she hasn't moved, she must be dead" Which I know is not true, she's fine, I just can't help it.
My fetal echo-cardiogram has been scheduled for February 13th, again a Monday, I will be 22 weeks and 3 days along. I am a little nervous about it. The lady who called me about it told me it will take about and hour and a half, which makes me a little nervous, last time I had an ultrasound I started getting really bad pains in my back and ribs from laying there for so long. There is also the fear that they may find something wrong, which will just break me down, I know its a possibility, but it hurts to think that we have gotten this far, and that I finally get my girl, that what if?! Push it back, push it back.... Ugh.
I think being pregnant has also put my grieving for Alexander on the back burner. I remember when Isaac was born, the first 3 months of his life I grieved for all of my losses prior to him, I cried knowing that I would never know what they looked like, or who they would be. Isaac was so perfect in my eyes that it made it so hard to not imagine. And I am going through that again with Alex, but not letting myself get to upset about it because I know the stress is no-good for the baby. It will suck, and I will probably had PPD because of it, not only because I will grieve but that it will also be close to a year ago that it happened.
Anyhow, just getting what I needed too off my chest.

Playing for team...PINK!!!

2012-01-16T17:03:00.001-07:00

We had our anatomy scan today, 18 weeks and 3 days along. I asked the ultrasound technician to let us know whenever she got there. She did it so non shelontly, I had no idea what I was looking at, and shes says "My guess is a girl". I said, you guess?? Because of lack of boy parts? And she said "Nope, I actually see girl parts". I melted. I am still in shock. A girl?! I have never had a girl before! What am I going to do?! Lol.

As for the other parts of the scan, we also found out that the baby, who should normally have a 3 vessel cord, has a 3 vessel cord, but only 2 are working. They saw a single umbilical artery. This means that we may face some problems later, but then again, we may no. Everything else appreared normal, and thats a good thing. I am being refered for a fetal echocardiography in the near future, and will be getting at least 2 more detailed scans at later dates to be sure that the cord is functioning normally and that the baby remains healthy. For now, I am just going to take it as it comes, I am not concerned yet, not until I have to be, and I am trying my best not to google it so I don't freak out about it.

My cervix today measured 4.3cm. Excellent.

Anyhow, thats all the update I have for now. Baby looks like Chris, lol.

Good News

2011-12-28T22:02:00.001-07:00

I had my OB follow up today. Everything is great, I have gone 4 days without a contraction or a fever. I still have pain but the doctor said it is likely just an irritated uterus, since nothing has happened because of it. The baby had an awesome heartbeat and the doctor thinks we are making great progress and doing everything we humanly can to be sure this continues. Although she did say it isn't time to brag yet, that we have to make it past the last hurdle (17 weeks). I felt content that she didn't seem concerned with anything, she told me that a lot of the issues I am having are normal for what I have been through. I have not gained any weight, and lost 1 lbs, which is ok. My BP is the lowest it has ever been since seeing her, which I find interesting, as if stress makes my bp go down. I also listed a few concerns about swelling and bp issues to her and she said that I will be seeing her so often that anything that comes up we will be able to deal with. Shes right about that, I am seeing her every 2 weeks this month, the 4th for follow-up and the 18th for ultrasound results. I have my gender scan/Anatomy scan at 18 weeks 3 days, January 16th. Both Chris and I are really excited about it, we are torn with both, yet could care less what it is. We want a girl for the natural reasons of having a boy and a girl, and for the fact that the infertility clinic back in 2007 told me it wasn't likely I could carry girls (they also said I would never carry a baby to term and Isaac is living proof of the opposite). And we want a boy because we have everything for a boy already and recently had a nephew, but at the same time, I have a good friend having a baby girl in January, so it works out either way. I am just truly happy to make it either way so I honestly have no preference.

Christmas was good, Isaac was spoiled, we spent the day at my dads with my brother and his wife and my step-moms brother and wife, it was nice to have adult conversation.

Thats it for now, I may update before then, but will likely not update until January 16th.

So scared

2011-12-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

Last night I got out of the hospital after a 36 hour stay. The entire situation was horrible, especially feeling like I was reliving this all over again.
I all started with a pain on my right side, right where the baby like to hang out, I thought the baby may have been in a bad place. I moved my tummy, changed positions, drank a whole bunch of water. The pain wouldn't move. Then I started to get pressure in my stomach. I thought I would wait it out, try and go to the washroom, have a little sleep. I woke up at 5am freaking out, it was starting to get worse. But again, I waited it out. Sat up in the bed. By 7:30am I had go through so many scenarios in my head I had to wake Chris up and we had to go to the hospital, even if it was just to ease my mind.
We got to the hospital about 10 mins later. It was so dead there, I had never seen it like that, we only waited 45 mins before I was in, and I saw a doctor right away, which is very rare. I explained my history to the doctor and he was very concerned, they checked my bp, it was 163/97. I had an informal ultrasound but they couldn't see my cervix, which was the doctors main concern. Then I had a pelvic exam which showed the cerclage in a good place, holding, looking sturdy and doing its job. The nurses gave me some Tylenol 3`s and I waited for an ultrasound, which luckily only took 4 hours. The technician was very nice, very thorough and good. My cervix had lengthened to 3cm, which is a good pregnancy length, the baby was fantastic and healthy, there was no inflammation, the only indication that there was an issue, was fluid at the tip of my cervix, which can cause pain or irritation causing contractions. The doctor was still worried and consulted with the Obstetrician on-call, who happened to be my old OB who delivered Isaac. He was concerned too, he was talking cervical amputation cause by the contractions, blah blah blah, then he said they were going to admit me to observe me for 24 hours.
We concluded that the pains were minor contractions caused by irritation to the uterus, big oh no, especially since it was only a week after my cerclage placement. If my uterus was infected they would have to take the cerclage out, and abort the baby...
Then I spiked a fever.... Flashing before my eyes, rerunning this past June over and over again.
They got me to the room in the post surgical ward, which is where I was with Alexander too, 4 rooms down from where I gave birth. I had a roomie, which I had never had before, she was really awesome, an old (not really) pro at being in the hospital.
They started me on Erythromycin.....which 10 mins later I blew my IV and broke into hives all up and down my arm. I had to have benadryl, lol. I am already allergic to 2 families of anti-biotic, and now a third. However they started me on Clindamyacin, and it seemed to be ok and not give me hives. I blew my IV ten times while I was there.
They also gave me an anti-inflammatory and an anti-contraction meds. 18 hours later the contractions stopped. Second ultrasound showed everything was still ok. But I spiked a fever at 3am... More meds and some more observation. But after 14 hours of no more fevers, clean white cell count and no contractions, I was finally sent home so I could spend Christmas with my family. I was given strict rules to rest, to check for fever every 4 hours and if I had the slightest inclination of being Ill, or my contractions come back, or if I bled, I had to come in ASAP. We aren't out of the woods yet, we are still waiting and seeing if I get better or worse, so far so good though. My follow-up is with Dr.I on the 28th. Pray for us, and wish us luck.

Cervical Cerclage

2011-12-16T18:56:00.001-07:00

Well, Tuesday December 12th was the big day of my Cevical Cerclage. Something I was not looking forward to this pregnancy at all, but knew it had to be done.
I was booked to be at the hospital for 11:55am, was not allowed to eat or drink anything past midnight that day, so nearly 12 hours, and being pregnant, I was STARVING! But I managed to keep my cool. Everyone was very nice and polite. When we were at triage, the lady at the counter said they were expecting me, said hi to Isaac. Everyone was in the Christmas spirit. We got to the Day surgery ward, and again, everyone was very polite. The nurse I had was very gental, she did my IV lickity split, and it only hurt for a few seconds. The wait was short. I was wheeled over to the OR holdingroom, without my glasses, that was awkward, lol. Met with the Resident doctor, he was very nice, he explained everything to me, made sure I was very comfortable. Was sure to tell me the anesthesia was my choice, told me he would run me with antibiotics after the procedure and would do an ultrasound afterwards, it was so nice. Then I met the Anaesthesiologist, he was a nice man, he was very adamant on doing the spinal epidural, but I was not ready for that, I was so anxious, so he agreed the General was best. I met the Doctor, after finding out my OB was sick and could not do it, but it was her partner Dr.C who did it, and he was very nice as well.
We got into the OR, I told them I was very scared. Dr.C actually held my hand, they got me moved onto the bed, then they told me to tip my neck back and take deep breaths of the oxygen (lol oxygen) they had on my face. I had a bit of a panic attack but kept telling myself I'd be out really soon and remember saying, oop, there we go. After the procedure, they pulled the tube up out of my throat and I puked while they did it and I couldn't stop coughing. I got to recovery and had a bad bad pain right in the centre of my pubic area. Once I was awake enough, they gave me Tylenol. The Resident Doctor came back and talked to me, did a quick ultrasound, showing the baby lying sideways its head to my belly, feet to my back, and it was jumping like crazy, so it defiantly tolerated the anaesthesia well. He also told me that my cervix was almost gone, and had they not done the cerclage today, we would have defiantly had a repeat of last time. Luckily its all good.

I felt great afterward, except that I could feel the knot in my cervix, and it was a little sore. I barely had any bleeding whatsoever. I was able to go home by 7pm. Once home I noticed my muscles hurt like crazy. I was in so much pain in my muscles I could not sleep and didnt get to sleep until 4:30am just from pure exhaustion.
The next few days had been hard, needed help to get in the shower, to use the washroom, I can't bend or get up, some of it due to the cerclage, some due to the muscle pain in my ribs and arms. I am doing well though, ventured out for the first time since but had a little bit of bleeding when I got home, so back to lying flat. Baby is fine, been feeling it move a lot. Anyhow, thats that. We have the follow-up on Dec 28th.

14weeks today.

Wow Baby, Nuchal scan.

2011-12-08T16:55:00.001-07:00

So, we had our 12 week ultrasound and Nuchal scan on December 7th, then an Obsetrician appointment today, December 8th. Lets start with the Nuchal Scan.
My results we beyond amazing at the ultrasound, the baby is 100% healthy and has no indicators for any trisomy issues at all. My risks are actually lower then they were when I was pregnant with Isaac, so amazing! Everything is going magically.

baby had a heartbeat of 153bpm, was 6.2cm long. it has my nose, as all my birthed children do. So amazing to see life like that, that only a few weeks ago he was a little blob on the screen.

More News
I had my obstetrician appointment today, and I got my cerclage date. December 13th, as in this Tuesday! I am in shock and so grateful that my husbands work has been so flexible with all of this. He needs to take 5 days off so I can go on bedrest, and he has been to every single appointment with me. I am incredibly nervous.
For those who don't know, a cervical cerclage is a stitch that hold your cervix together to stop the cervix from opening and the baby essentially falling out of you mid-pregnancy, which is kind of what happened with Alexander. They usually do it later in the second trimester, between 16-19 weeks, but since my loss was at 16/17 weeks and I am already having a teeny bit of funnelling, its time to do it now, rather then later. My wonderful OB will be doing it for me in a OR setting. I will be getting a spinal anaesthetic or general, depending on my blood pressure and my anxiety levels, and have to spend the night in the hospital. I will then be on strict rest for 3 days and on rest for 2 more days afterwards.

Something else we discovered today. I have Pregnancy Induced Hypertension 150/100!!. I have to get a blood pressure monitor and check my bp daily, as well as go on medication for the rest of my pregnancy and possibly beyond. I am not overly concerned, I think it has a lot to do with worry and anxiety over the whole pregnancy. My mind can only block so much I guess.

Isaac is good and as sweet as ever. At the OB's today he was being a bit of a nussense, the doctor gave him something to distract him, and this distraction?? A pap smear stick, the flattish plastic thing they use to do the smear with. He called it his "Magic key"....LOL. I laughed so hard after we left, his magic key.

Anyhow, over and over again, we are so blessed to be having such an amazing pregnancy. I could not thank God enough right now. Its nice to finally be getting a hand up rather then being kicked down.

In other things.
Prayers to Michelle Duggar and family (19 kids and counting) for her recent loss of her child inutero in the 2nd trimester.
And Prayers to my husbands friend Noah, who was recently diagnosed with cancer and is essentially fighting for his life.

Odd Baby

2011-12-04T09:54:00.001-07:00

This baby is in such a weird spot. I am not used to having a baby up so high and so forward. I have been showing since last week, about Thursday. I can feel the lump right at my pubis. Its so weird. I am getting round ligiment pain, my sides hurt so bad like I've been working out or got tickeled to death. And I can't lie on my stomach or the side of my stomach anymore, I get this odd ache in my belly sides or i feel like I am lying on a baseball. I have my Nuchal Translucency scan on Wednesday, the 7th. Will get pictures and update then.

The Secrets out, and Isaac turned 3

2011-11-28T20:43:00.005-07:00

I couldn't hold it in anymore and told my family on the weekend.
Friday was Isaac's 3rd birthday, we invited my brother and his wife over for supper and to hang out with Isaac to celebrate his birthday. I made Isaac wait all day before he could open his presents, but since he really had no clue that that's not the way its supposed to be, it didn't matter to him, he was more excited about cake more then anything. He had a really great time and got lots of presents. He got everything he asked for this year.
On Sunday we had a family get together with Isaac's bff Zach and his mom and dad. It was nice, My dad and step-mom came and my younger brother, his wife and their kids came, it was really nice for Isaac to have friends to play with and open presents, he was in his glory, plus we got him a Cars (Disney) cake. He had such a blast. I am still find it hard to believe hes 3.

So, we told my family that we are expecting, so great to get it off our chest, I have no idea why I was so worried. My step-mom was just dumb-found that I held it in and said nothing for so long, she was impressed. Both her and my sister-in-law Tamara screamed like little girls, it was cute. So it out. And I am so happy and relieved. Also announced it on Facebook Sunday night and got sooo much support from everyone, I am so appreciative of all the support my family has, its great.

Better and Better :D

2011-11-15T18:34:00.002-07:00

Ok, still keeping things quiet until about Christmas, so please keep this between you and my blog, thanks so much for understanding.

I could not ask for a better pregnancy so far, this has been so great. I have had minimal spotting and have had none what so ever since about the 3rd of November. And what I did have was so minimal that it really wasn't that concerned.

Had my first OB appointment today and everything is hunky dory, we booked the Nuchal Translucency scan for December 7th. Nuchal scan is an ultrasound the is in depth at looking at the chances for Down syndrome and/or the trisomy's. We did discuss that we wouldn't terminate the pregnancy if we did have something wrong, we just wanted to see what we were faced with.

I didn't get to hear the heartbeat at the office, she said it would be quite ambitious to hear it at 9 and a half week and that next month we will try, and I totally understood that. However, the baby is very anterior and very high, so much so that I can feel the bulge under my belly. Yesterday hubby and I were looking through the toys r us flyer and found they had a prenatal listener on sale for 30 dollars, its a cheap little microphone thing that when placed on your uterus, you can hear the babies noises, but its recommended for the 3rd trimester. Chris and I have been through the heartbeat thing tons of times, we know what it sounds like, and how to find it, so within 5 mins of having this thing out, Chris found our galloping horses (the heartbeat sounds like that). I was so relieved. Now that we know that we can hear it this early, that we can continue to use it and have some much needed relief as we go on.

Ok, so.
November 15th- heard heartbeat for first time.
December 7th- NT scan- will post pics then
December 8th- 2nd OB appointment

Why Do I Keep Putting Myself Through This?!

2011-10-22T11:08:00.016-06:00

What you read here needs to been kept between you and my blog. I know not a lot of people read this, but if you know me on facebook or in real life, please do not mention anything, as we are not telling our entire family until well after 12-15 weeks (mid December 2011).

The Beginning,shhh
Oct 22, 2011
Well, I have a secret and have been holding it in since October 5th. It started with me feeling funny and tired, and not feeling like myself. I also had these nasty cramps, I thought maybe Aunt-flo was coming early, which is bizarre for me, I usually have cycles from 35-45 days, never earlier unless I'm on birth control. So, after telling hubby I wasn't feeling good we both decided to get a pregnancy test just to see, and maybe it will trick my brain into making Aunt-flo come. This is a normal occurrence for women who have been trying to get pregnant, its almost like your brain will think you are pregnant until you test and see that negative, then she will come now that you are more at ease and know.
Hubby went out at 10pm to the local drug store to buy me a pregnancy test. He says, "Don't worry if its negative, Im expecting it". So up the stairs to the bathroom I went. I did my thing, replaced the cap, washed my hands, turned off the light and walked down the stairs to the kitchen where I was about to toss the test in the garbage....wait a minute. There are two pink fricken lines on this thing?! The first thing I think is maybe I still have some pregnancy hormone in my body left over from before, but no...I have had 2 cycles since then, meaning the hormone is gone...So...Omg, this means we are pregnant! I nearly threw up right then and there.
The next day I called the OB, who is the one to oversee my pregnancy (to see an ob in early pregnancy isn't the "norm" in Canada until 25 weeks). She sent me for bloodwork on the 6th, the same day my root canal was being filled, it was a great nerve racking day. Then I went again on October 8th. I didn't get any results until the 11th as Oct 10th was Canadian thanksgiving. They weren't good, so we were all concerned. They were still within the "normal" range but the numbers are supposed to double every 48 hours in early pregnancy and the numbers were very low. The first being 31 and the second being 50. So I was scheduled for bloodwork again on the 18th, so we could also predict when i could get an ultrasound. I went on Oct 18th and received the results on the 19th. If they were doubling at the same 66hr rate as before, they should have been at about 500, however, they decided to jump and reached an impressive 2589! Sure, we speculated twins for a day or so, lol, but hcg numbers really have nothing to do with that. When the nurse called on the 19th she also gave me an appointment time for an ultrasound.

You have to think now... Its only been 3, almost 4 months since Alexander left us. I am in utter shock. I also have no symptoms other then a tiny bit of nausea and heartburn. We were also not trying at all, we had decided to put this off until after Christmas so there would be less stress, i find it odd that I didnt need to track anything or write anything down and it happened completely on its own.

So... I had my ultrasound on Friday the 21st. Hubby came but wasn't allowed in since they had to do an internal. And baby bean measured a perfect 6 weeks 0days. Crown-rump length of 3.2mm and a nice starting heart rate of 95bpm. My little grain of rice. So, here we are, in this beginning stages of limbo yet again, and only time will tell how this will turn out. I have put in a lot of faith in God with this. I basically have left it in his hands, and since doing that, I have surprisingly been very calm and collective, feeling very normal and not wincing at every nudge and ache. I feel really good so far.
The next steps is to get the ultrasound results, which I know are good, but the technician was going to recommend another one in 2 weeks. Then I should be getting the cerclage around 12-13 weeks. (the cervical stitch). I am really nervous about that as they need to do a spinal anesthetic, and I am terrified of needles in my back. I have laboured naturally 3 times because I would rather feel the pain of that then ever have a needle in my back, but whatever I guess, there has to be a point in your life that you have to face your worst fears at least once.
Today I would be 6weeks and 1 day pregnant. Please keep us in your thoughts an prayers that my body, and my mind don't face yet another tragedy. This is the last time I will endure this.

Why Do They Make You Panic?
Post #2 October 28, 2011.
So, on Tuesday my OB called and said they didn't see everything they wanted to see on the last ultrasound, so they sent me back again. I ended up having some spotting this week too, probably from the ultrasound last week, but its still a shock to see blood. So, the ultrasound went well. I still have a bean in there, measuring between 6 weeks 4 days and 6 weeks 6 days, so technically only a day behind from last week, but it was a different technician and a different machine, and since the baby was so tiny last week the measurements may have been a little off. The have estimated my due date for June 16/ 2012. So the little heartbeat was 116bpm, which is perfect for the gestational age, and the crown-rump length was 7.2mm. the miscarriage percentage went do to 30% for us, but there is still a long way to go before we are out of the woods. Each new week is a milestone.

Worry-warts
Post #3- November 3rd, 2011
Well, I have had some spotting off and on for about a week, and after trick or treating with Isaac on Monday I started to have a little heavier bleeding. Then on Wednesday, the 2nd, I had clotting and some horrible cramps right in the center of my uterus. I again am feeling devistated, but I need to remain positive before I know for sure. I finally called my OB office, and the wonderful nurse booked me for a peace of mind ultrasound for Monday, November 7th. I will update then.

As Always, Everything is Okay
Post #4 November 7, 2011.
As usual, everything is fine. I have made the decision to post this today, since 8 weeks is past our first mile stone. This by no means we are out of the woods at all, it just means that the baby is healthy and growing so far, still a long road ahead. I have an appointment with the OB on November 15th. I have some questions to ask her about blood clotting mutations in my blood and to see if i should be on blood thinners other then asprin. All is well though, still taking things day by day.
8 weeks 3 days, heartbeating 171 bpm

October 15th. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberence Day

2011-10-15T20:21:00.007-06:00

Today was filled with more significance then it ever has for me. Today was the day of The Calgary Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Service.
Today we honoured and remembered Alexander.
We started the day at Safeway, where we bought a beautiful bouquet of "crazy daisies" Which has significance to me, both the flowers from our wedding and the flowers my husband bought me when we passed out 12 week mark with Alexander. While in the parking lot off in the distance, over the cemetery, there was this beautiful cloud formation with rays of sunshine shining thorough. Also significant to me, something I have always taken as a sign from God that there is peace among us.

We arrived at the Chapel at 10am and lit a candle in remembrance. We then sat and listened to the service. Isaac was very good, he listened well and asked all kind of questions and remained quiet when others spoke. We received a single Carnation and a smoothed natural quartz rock with Alexanders name on it. We then went to the Silent Hopes garden and buried the ashes of all the passed babies from the last year. We finished the symbolism by sprinkling sand on the ashes, and a closing prayer.

It was beautiful. Such an amazing day for us, the feeling of peace and comfort. There was also a Proclamation plaque from the city mayor the stated that the City of Calgary recognised October 15th as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, which means a lot to loss parents.

We also lit a candle at 7pm during what is called the Wave of Light, which everyone affected by a loss, across the world, at 7pm, also light a candle in remembrance.

A chapter in my life is closed. Amen.

Autumn

2011-10-05T14:24:00.004-06:00

The season has changed. It's been 3+ months since Alex's passing. The hardest part is that my step-sister, bless her soul, Is due 2 days sooner then I was, and her pregnancy is chugging right along, she is having a boy as well and she just passed 31 weeks. Its kind of a heartbreaker really, but I can't expect the whole world to stop having babies just because I am a little depressed over something completely out of my control. I am genuinely very happy for her and and boyfriend, they will be awesome parents.
I became an Aunt on September 3rd to my younger brother D and his fiancee T, they had a beautiful little boy named Tristan. Isaac thinks all these babies are pretty cool, he loves pregnant bellies.
I have been getting out more, I had to stop seeing my bestfriend, her life was just to dramatic for me, after 15 years of being by each others side, I noticed that I really don't have many friend, her an I were so close we had no need to have others in our lives, but we have truly grown apart. So I have been opening myself up to other people I haven't spoken to in a long time and that have more in common with me. I re acquainted myself with a Friend from Juniour High school who has a son who is only a year older then Isaac, and an old friend I have actually known since I we were 4, who has an 8 year old daughter and is expecting a second daughter in Jan 2012. Its been really nice to have other people to talk to and relate too. I feel much less alone.

The Decision.
So, we decided we are going to attempt to have another baby. Not to replace Alexander, but to fill the hole of wanting another child. We have both spent a lot of time discussing this and both feel that this is what we want. We are already unofficially trying at this point, we call it "Not trying but not preventing". I have had pretty regular cycles since July but my ovulation pattern is very erratic, some times early, late or not at all. I absolutely hated this part the 4 years prior to Isaac, never knowing for sure, and using kits and temping is so hard on my psyche. If we aren't pregnant by January then we will do all that stuff I suppose, we are really just taking it day by day, wait for Isaac's 3rd birthday to pass and Christmas before we add the stress. I am pretty sure I will be a parent again, I really don't see why not. Anyhow, that's my news. Take care.

Given the Ok to Try Again.

2011-09-09T18:05:00.004-06:00

We had our 8 week check up on the 7th and met our new OBGyn. Dr.K. She self referred me to her, when we met in the hospital she found me interesting, and a "trouble maker" (Needs constant monitoring in pregnancy). She told us at our appointment that she wants to be the one who is in charge of our care from day one. Our results came back normal, so no known cause. I mentioned to her that I thought I had Asherman's Syndrome (when scar tissue grows within the walls of the uterus due to harm in the uterus, like a forced dilation, or a biopsy). She said it was probable, and since my babies like to stick to my uterus, its good indication that I have it, however, all it will really do is cause an Incompetent cervix and Placenta Accreta (growth in the walls and inability to detach w/o surgery). I was told that I need to be on prometrium if we get pregnant again, that I am going to get a stitch at 13 weeks, and when she removes the stitch she will also induce and have me have an epidural so that she can just go in immediately after delivery and remove the placenta and tie my tubes (which we will doing if everything goes as planned). Anyhow, we are still very much on the fence as to when we want to try again. I would like to jumpstart my cycles with the pill again, since I have such good luck getting pregnant and staying pregnant when I come off of it. Anyhow, its in the plan, just don't know when. Stay tuned.

3+ Weeks, and doing ok.

2011-07-24T09:23:00.006-06:00

Its been 3 weeks and 3 days since Baby Alex passed away, some days are better then others, but I seems to be doing ok. I didn't want to automatically go on anti-depressants just to see if I could handle and deal with things on my own on my own terms, and some days are hard, but seriously, I don't have any more stress then I normally would. I sometimes feel like I don't get to grieve, but I do, I have had a few good cries in the night after Isaac goes to sleep. My husband has been a real rock for me over the last few weeks too, hes so great and is really the only one who can truly understand what our family is going through.
As far as TTC goes, we are really on the fence. We will go to the obgyn to get results and to see what we need to do if it happens, but as far as things go at this point in time, I am very much not ready to take that step again. I only ever wanted 3 children, and God gave me 3 children, although I only parent one, maybe that's the way it is meant to be. I feel like I have supplied heaven with a football team, and I am getting pretty sick of it. I am angry in a way, of course. I have no one to place blame on so I just sit and stew on it. I think it is totally unfair that my family was chosen to suffer such loss. I know there are people out there who have suffered worse, but right now I am very focused on me. I think it is unfair to always have my children taken away from me, and I have become very very very protective over Isaac lately. My husband, thank God, understands and thinks that it is very normal.
I feel alone a lot, my bff and I aren't getting to see each other often. She recently had her 3rd child on June 16th and her husband and I had a falling out, so we are speaking to each other on the down low. My mom isn't here either, when I feel I need her most, but such is life, she was recently laid-off from her job so she has no means to visit right now. My step mother has taken the summer off, but I really haven't taken the opportunity to see her. I think in a way, though I need to be around people, I feel better being alone, I have always been like that, as long as Chris is around once in a while for me to break down on. Isaac has been better too. He was very hard to deal with at first, he was very much grieving too, but i think since he is so young, he kind of stopped getting upset and asking where the baby was. He doesn't still ask, but doesn't get angry anymore and has returned to his fun little self. Anyhow, that's all I really have to update on right now.

One week later.....

2011-07-07T13:04:00.003-06:00

Ugh, I am not doing well at all. It seems that all of the grief I have had from the last 7 years is coming straight at me again. I am mourning all of my losses, with Alex being the strongest. I feel like I am a giant open wound. My heart has a big piece missing from it and I feel so lonely and empty. It has been so difficult dealing with Isaac, he is grieving in his own little way and is taking it out as anger, and since he is only 2, mom is the brunt of it.
I cry non stop. I am so lonely. I miss Chris. He has to work all day, so I don't get to see him until after 6, then all we do is sit and I cry.
I have started getting angry, especially at my body. I have a lot of extra weight, and I want it all gone, get off of me, like dirt. I have barely been able to eat as it is, so I am sure it won't take much to get that all off. I am mad at my reproductiveness. I am mad that my body gave out on me, and I hate myself for it. I am probably the lowest of the low, but still, remembering that I have a family that needs me, and cares so much for me, so its not like I am going to go do something stupid. I really have a lot to live for.
The days are difficult. I close my eyes and I see my baby. I cry at everything.

I know there are brighter days ahead, this is definitely not the be all and end all, there is a whole future to look forward to. My dear son that I do have, he is growing so fast and is so smart, before I know it he will be graduating from highschool. Isaac is truly my life, he is and has been my everything.

Ok, this is just ramblings now. Basically I still feel a lot of pain, though he was only here for a short 4 months, Alex was already very much a part of me, someone who took me a long time to get used to, finally letting myself get used to the idea of being pregnant again, and that everything was going to be ok, but then I got it all swiped from under me. It hurts. A lot.

Alexander Michael, in memoriam.

2011-07-01T21:20:00.001-06:00

In Memoriam

June 28th
I had this nagging ache, really just irritating, nothing I was to concerned about. It progressed and got worse. I put off going to the doctors. It got worse.
Around midnight we headed to the hospital emergency. Once there I noticed there was a huge group of people waiting, and figured my problem was no more then a bad bladder infection. We headed back home to see the doctor over the next few days.

June 29
I woke up, and the pain was way worse. We made it to the hospital about 11:30am, but I was not checked in until 1:30 in the afternoon. They have this "Pre-emerg" area at our hospital where they assess you before they figure out where they put you. I had a informal ultrasound and got to see my little guy suck his thumb, the baby was perfectly fine, but they wanted to check other things like a bladder infection, or cervical infection, possible appendix...

They booked me for a formal ultrasound so I got put in the "Rapid Action Zone" where they sit you in a reclining chair until a doctor sees you. I needed fluid to do the ultrasound so they started me an IV and I sat until 4pm. The ultrasound seemed to take a really long time, I was viewed, then he would go, then come back, then go. The baby looked good, measured 17 weeks. Had a heart rate of 155 beats a minute, but they spotted contractions. I had two of them while I laid there for an hour. They did check my cervix, and stated that it was about 2.4 cm long, which he said was average, and closed. They were also thinking appendix. So, this pain is getting more intense as we speak. I got back to the RAZ unit, they told me they would be doing a pelvic exam but had to wait until the privacy room ( a room with walls and a door rather then a curtain or a recliner) was cleaned, there had been another woman with pregnancy issues in that room.

About 6pm they got me into the room, and I laid down for the pelvic exam. The doctor inserted the speculum, and instantly said to the nurse in the room, "We need to get gynie down here NOW". Then he turned to me and said they yes, my cervix was opened, and there were membranes protruding from the cervix. We assume the pain was contractions in my cervix pushing on the membranes. I instantly fell apart. I assumed there was something they could do, but he noted that you really cannot push something that's outside of the body back in without risking extreme infection. The nurse said not to give up hope, that doctors work miracles now-a-days, and maybe they can do something. I asked for the on call social worked, since Chris was at home with Isaac, and I asked for spiritual council, and they both came and kept me company. I called Chris and told him to take Isaac to my dads for the night and get over here as soon as possible. The social worker was very helpful, she got me what I needed, kept me company and kept me sane. The Reverend was wonderful, we mostly just talked to each other, he also kept me calm and shared some stories and insight with me.
I had gotten up to change position and I gushed blood. Not a good sign.

So Chris came and had it explained to him what was happened. We were diagnosed with an Incompetent Cervix, where the cervix can no long hold the weight of the pregnancy, or gets an infection and causes contractions. We were told that since we were bleeding there really was no good news, and that we were in labour. I got up and went to the washroom, and as I came back to the room I had a contraction that made me scream. We got me back onto the bed, where I got really nauseous and asked Chris for the bucket, and as I gagged my water broke. There went any hope we had had at all.
They moved us to another unit in the ER, where there were more private rooms and was specific to gynecological issues. They were waiting for a bed to open in the OB unit, where I would be birthing. Around 11pm I got to the room upstairs. I was so sad, so upset. Chris by my side the whole time. I had a contraction that had the entire nursing unit at my bedside.

June 30th
They made me comfortable, told me what to expect, gave me the "Morphine button" and gravol for my nausea, as well as antibiotics. We decided that we wanted to move things along, since my contractions were useless and so far apart, so they placed an octagonal pill in my cervix and I lied still for half an hour. Then I got tight zapping pains back to back. I had got up again, to go to the washroom, layed back down and felt something there in my groin, so we called the doctor, and they agreed that it would not be long, and literally less then 20 mins it started happening. It was very difficult. I did not have an "push" in me, not strong enough contractions, so I had to do it on my own

We did it. The baby was born still, no doubt, he was only 17 weeks, at 3:45am. He was beautiful for what he was. He looked perfectly human, developed. but he was red. But he had features and he was smiling. He looked a lot like Isaac did when he was born. He also had a smile on his face. And to me, that was the most amazing thing. We named him Alexander Michael.

I bearly had time to think and I started gushing blood, it was so bad that I saw stars, hear that high pitched whine and followed the white light. Between where the bed was, to being wheeled to the door, I passed out. I woke up in the ER where they were setting me up for surgery. They calmed me down and I remember waking up in recovery and the nurses yelling at me to breath every couple of seconds. Every time I would start to fall asleep I would stop breathing.
I got back to my room and was told I would have to stay for another day since my white blood cells were sky high and I needed IV antibiotics. I was very upset.

Chris and I decided to have the baby cremated and placed in a communal garden for stillborn babies. I wanted him to be with other babies. We got to spend 12 hours with him though. We said our prayers, gave him our love and tried to let him go physically as best we could. We kissed him good by, and Chris took him out of the room to the nurse.
We got to keep a box of keepsakes, a tiny teddybear, a tiny hat, an outfit that never would have fit him. A beautiful knit blanket. A card with his footprints, a certificate of life and various odds and ends, a card, bracelets.

The experience, as I wrote it, is easy. To relive it in my mind it was to difficult. I believe that I did give birth to a baby, as young as he was, he had everything he needed, they just weren't as developed as it needed to be. He is a son, I birthed him. He is Isaac's brother. I do love him, and I loved seeing him, and being with him. It is still very surreal, and I have yet to experience it completely. I still have a ton of grieving to do. I appreciate the experience, but sure do wish I could have my full term baby in my arms at home with me.

God Speed baby Alex. Carry on my wayward son.

Mid June

2011-06-12T12:08:00.007-06:00

Oh man, I feel great today. I have so much energy, I just feel fabulous! Today I am 14 weeks pregnant according to my Dec 11th due date. Things have been fantastic, I have had minimal spotting, nearly no morning sickness so far, only gained 4 lbs in the first trimester, and my blood pressure has dropped to normal. Pregnancy does me good.
I am in the second trimester now, which is great, we have passed the first critical stages of pregnancy. I have relaxed a lot, and am taking it in. Getting excited. We have out gender scan booked for July 12, so a month to the day away.
Celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary yesterday. It was uneventful. We went out for dinner with Isaac and then went home, Isaac fell asleep on the way home so we had some us time. Hubby had to work until 6, when he should have been off at 3, so that put a damper on us having more time together, but it was really nice.
Isaac has become a big helper, he has been cleaning up after himself, helping sweep the floor, vacuuming, dusting, dressing himself (kinda). Its really sweet that he wants to help so much. He is becoming aware that a baby is coming, he gets that there is a baby in my tummy, but frequently forgets. Luckily my bff is 9 months pregnant, so he has go to see her belly grow, then over the next week or so he will understand that belly means baby. He is excited.
We ha vent bought anything, I really don't know when the appropriate time is to do that. I think I will wait until our next ultrasound so we know what we are having and what condition the pregnancy is in. Then again, maybe not, we might just start doing it now. ?. I did buy a couple paci's and a 3 pack of onesies that were onsale. Thats it so far though.
Anyhow, that is all. Waiting for my bff to have her baby, she just hit 39 weeks and no baby yet, which I think is pretty good for baby #3. Both her girls were 5lbs, this big boy will be atleast 7lbs. She says it is due to less stress in her life, which I agree with.

Until next time :).S

Good News and Bad News

2011-05-26T21:45:00.005-06:00

Well, lets start with the good news first. I had an ultrasound today to check on the baby from having some heavy bleeding a few weeks ago. I discovered that there is a cute little baby human in there, measuring 11wks and 4 days. So cute, so special. Its heartbeat is in the 170's still and things look healthy as far as the baby is concerned. However... There is a clot, a big one, on top of the placenta. This could potentially cause a miscarriage by placenta abrupto, when the placenta seperates from the wall of the uterus. I have an ultrasound in July to check on it. Nothing can be done. I am assuming its from the moron "resident" doctor that tugged harder then hell on my cord after Isaac was born and left a huge chunck of placenta inside of me that I had to go to the hospital emerg for a D&C and infection a month later. I am in pain, but I think its psychosymatic, because I was feel fantastic before that. Anyhow, thats my news.

Hello Baby, nice to finally see you!

2011-05-05T16:12:00.003-06:00

I had an ultrasound today, and glory be, there is a baby in there! I am measuring 8weeks and 2 days, changing my due date to December 13th, and its little heartbeat is 176bpm, I cried, and I giggled like a school girl. I am so relieved. AMEN!

Getting mentally sick of pregnancy limbo.

2011-04-29T20:48:00.005-06:00

Omgoodness, I am so sick of this...
So, on Easter Sunday, April 24, I passed some tissue, which is normally a huge indicator of miscarriage, then I had a day of somewhat heavy bleeding... However, I now feel excellent, I have minor cramps that feel like normal pregnancy related cramps, my breasts are sensitive and my moods and sense of smell are through the roof. Hubby thinks I may of had a cyst or fibroid that my body really did not want in the baby zone. I am still cautiously optimistic, I still have no feelings towards this pregnancy, I am numb to it, but I am so sick and tired of going through this, I wish it would happen or I would stay pregnant, I wish it wasn't a 12 hour wait at the hospital to get an ER ultrasound, I wish doctors showed more compassion towards women who think there is something wrong with their babies. I just want this horror to be over, to know for sure, to see a heartbeat or not see it, and to move on with my life. I have my final blood test on Monday May 2nd to see if the numbers are still raising. If they are then I wait for an ultrasound until my nuchal scan somewhere around 12 weeks, but I am going to plead with my doctor that I need something done now before I go nuts and do something stupid, because my emotions are really sick of being toyed with. I get results on Tuesday, if I have time to, i will update then, or Wednesday.

WTF? I am so confused.

2011-04-19T20:30:00.003-06:00

I went and did some bloodwork on the 18th of April, just to make sure my numbers were ok or going down, low and behold, they raised!!! Right where they should be for how pregnant I am, so freaking amazing! I am still being cautious, I have cramping, and ms.klutz that I am, fell down my bff's stairs at her babyshower on Sunday, so I am hoping the pain I have is just from falling and not from losing the baby. But as far as I am concerned and the doctor; I am pregnant, and if anything happens from this point on, I really can't stop it from happening, so enjoy it while I have it. I have made it at a good point as far as my losses are concerned, I will be 7 weeks tomorrow. Yay. :). I have another bloodtest on May 2nd, and also have to do a glucose tolerence test the same day, then I have to get an u/s booked. Will update as I know more :).

Again....Sigh

2011-04-14T08:19:00.004-06:00

So,I started getting this annoying cramping, and had some pink staining, nothing that I was to worried about, until yesterday when I lost all of my symptoms and started bleeding and passing clots. Sorry, TMI, I know. But its whats going on. I think it is safe to say, with the amount of pain I am in, that I am miscarrying yet again. I'm kind of numb, I am upset but not...Its hard to explain, maybe because I really don't have time to crawl into a ball and cry my face off? I don't know. We have decided I am going to lose a bunch of weight again and see if I can get my cycles to return without the help of birthcontrol pills. On top of it all it rained then snowed that heavy snow last night, I found it kind of ironic.
Anyhow, have a thyroid appointment today. Just a regular check up for nodulars (Its genetic). I hope that can atleast give me good news.

Miracle, Enter Stage Left

2011-04-10T08:47:00.005-06:00

So, I had an ultrasound on April 6th, with no expectation to see anything at all, I knew it was way to early, and the ultrasound tech said that it was way to early to see anything. I lied there for nearly an hour while the tech took pictures of every square inch of my uterus. I had an appointment on Saturday with Dr.Moron to get the results, and I was so nervous. I sat there expecting the worst, or for him to tell me there was nothing and that this pregnancy is a write-off....Low and behold; they found a small cluster of cells which indicated that I was 4weeks and 3-6 days within my womb.....I am so relieved. I know that that doesn't mean we are out of the woods, but it does me that there is a pregnancy in there. My doctor is going to repeat the blood work on the 19th and then we are going to book another ultrasound if the numbers are going up.I am getting back spasms though, I assume it is from the progesterone. In the mean time, I am just going to live my life. I have lots of exciting things coming up, hosting my bff's baby shower next weekend, so that's really exciting.
My hubby, father-in-law and son all went on a boys day out yesterday and they took Isaac to go see some classic cars, had lunch, then went to check out the Okotokes Wal-mart (Small town outside of where we live) And Ikey saw the bikes, and convinced his papa, with those supersweet eyelashes and pweeeeese, that he needed a bike. So when hubby came to pick me up from my bff's yesterday he surprised me, and I cried a little, we were going to get Isaac a bike next month due to finances, and now I don't have to worry about it anymore. Still have to get a helmet before we explore with it, but I let him try it out outside yesterday, and I let him sit on it in the house, haha. Pretty neat.

"Pregnancy Limbo" being Pulled Through the Ringer.

2011-04-07T10:13:00.005-06:00

So, I am currently in "Pregnancy Limbo", I have no idea if I am viable or not, The doctor threw-in that the Obgyn that he consulted with doesnt think I am having a viable pregnancy due to my progesterone level being so low...???? As far as I know it is really good! so I don't know whether everything is ok or not... I had an ultrasound on Wednesday the 6th, and they didn't see anything, which I knew they wouldn't, I am only 5 weeks pregnant with low bhcg numbers, you need to have a beta of at least 1000 to see even a gestational sack. I don't understand why the doctor isn't running more bhcg tests, but I have decided to go see another Dr. this one is a moron, and though I have known that for years, it is becoming more apparent. Anyhow, let you know as I know.

What the?! Did that really just happen??

2011-03-31T14:15:00.007-06:00

So, the weirdest thing happened today. I went to the bathroom thismorning, and as I know I ovulated on the 17th day of my cycle, I have been testing everyday just because I am a pee-on-a-stick addict, and I tested again thismorning. As it has been 13 days past the day I ovulated I guessed I would get a positive test if I were pregnant by now, but I totally did not expect anything, just fooling around. Anyhow, I used a dollar store test from my collection of tests and it was kind of negative, kind of positive, as I have gotten before, because the tests are really bad for evaporation lines, except the second line was purplish like the other line. I have done a zillion of these and have gotten positives before, just to turn to negatives. So I bet on it being a negative test. My hubby saw the test 2 hours later when he got up and said it sure looked positive to him. We went out and ran some errand and picked up a first response early pregnancy test just to see if it would come out positive, not really thinking it would. I asked him if he would let me do it today and he said yes. So I did when we got home....
I can not believe that it was positive, within seconds it was positive! I am extremely cautiously optimistic, I am taking it second by second at this point. I don't think it has really set in yet at this point. I will keep this updated the best I can. :D.

Who knew Ovulation could make someone so happy?

2011-03-19T15:24:00.003-06:00

This month we decided to officially try again. I have had a bad few months with messed up cycles and have been on the pill for the last 3 just to level things out, but figured I might as well give it a try, and low and behold, charting my fertility for the last 18 days and I got a nice surprise. I ovulated!!!! On my own, no medication, no help, all by myself!. I still won't know for at least 10 days whether I am pregnant or not, but who cares right now right? Take it step by step and day by day!!! I am very excited and had to share that.

On The Road Again...to TTC that is

2011-03-15T10:40:00.006-06:00

After a 3 month break on the pill and having my first cycle return a few days later after 5 months of non-stop spotting, and no answers; we finally decided we want to have another baby. I have lost 10lbs, I have a goal of 30lbs, just so we can get my cycles back on track. I had a normal cycle and have been using ovulation test sticks since cycle day 9. I am on cycle day 14 now, and still no significant change in the tests. I know with PCOS I will probably ovulate late, but it is still hard on me to never see it positive. I said that if Isaac ever asked me for a brother or sister then we would go all the way and do the fertility meds and tests etc again, and he asked me for a baby, so I am on the ball, lol. I am using the opks right now just to see if I do ovulate at all, not necessarily to get pregnant, I mean, if it happens it happens, but we want to know if it is even still possible for me to even get pregnant again. I am really scared to miscarry again, after all that we went through to have Isaac I just don't know if my body will let me go through it again, or my mind for that matter.
Things are going well here though, finally feeling like spring. We were living in some kind of snowmageddon there for a while, but I can finally see grass on my front yard. Isaac is doing well, speaking articulately, I can almost understand 90% of what he says now. That's all, just needed to update.

Surviving the worst pain I have ever had in my life.

2011-02-28T07:41:00.004-07:00

It started February 21st at 4:30pm. We had just finished eating spaghetti, a not so much favorite, but easy meal in my family. I started to get this sharp pain in my tooth at the back of my mouth (next to the bottom left wisdom tooth) This tooth is broken, and has been for the last year, mostly a filling that came out that I ignored. I knew it was a tooth ache, and not one that was going to go away. Within an hour I was wailing, this was the worst pain you could ever imagine, it hurt more then when I broke my collarbone when I was 10, it hurt more then the 36 hour labour I had with my first birth, it was worse then pushing Isaac out. I had never experienced pain this severe in my life. During the time I am wailing and screaming, sweating and shaking, my wonderful husband is calling every dentist in the city to see if I can get an emergency visit in. However, today is Family Day in Alberta, and nothing is open, and if it was, it closed at 4....its 6pm by this point. He finally got a hold of someone, but they were in Edmonton and wouldn't be able to do anything until the next morning.....OMG what am I going to do? This dentist suggested going to the hospital. We went to the ER and withing half an hour I was seen at minor treatment where they gave me a shot of marcaine (stronger then lidocaine) which I was told would last 5 hours and a prescription of Percocets. The pain was still there before that though, but it was much less intense, I could feel my face go numb from jaw to lip, it was such a strange sensation. I popped 2 percosets and went to bed. The freezing wore off at 8 am, I was so lucky to get 12 hours of relief so I could sleep. My dentist doesnt open until 11 though, so I still had to wait. And by the time they called they couldn't see me until 1:30pm anyway, omg, I had had enough!! I popped more percs and slept (thank God for husbands on unemployment who don't mind taking over the house)
I finally get to the dentist, and he instantly freezes it. He doesn't know if he has time to pull it, and I may have to make an appointment for tomorrow. But if I didn't mind waiting he could do it in an hour. Well, I have already waiting this long, another hour is not going to make a difference, and at least I was frozen for the time being.
He gets to me, gives me at least 10 more shots of freezing, and I can still kind of feel it, but its more pressure then anything. The x-ray showed that my root nerves were infected all the way down. And hour later, a lot of pulling and breaking, and the tooth is finally out. I was sent on my way home.
Today is 6 days of excruciating pain, when you are finally just done, can no longer do it, can deal anymore, and I have to go back to the dentist.

And so, I have come and gone to the dentist. My Dentist figures I have pretty bad bacterial infection and prescribed a different antibiotic and more ibuprofen, he told me he actually had to cut the gum open when he pulled it. So we wait and see again if this will do the trick.

January concluded. Randomness

2011-02-02T10:57:00.005-07:00

We are slowly getting used to our new house, it creaks a lot. At first I didn`t really like it here, but I am warming up to it. Our downstairs neighbour is nice, I really like her, but there are some things I don`t like about it. I feel guilty every time Isaac thumps on the floor, so I yell at him to walk nice, and no `ribbiting` in the house. ( like frogs yes, ribbit jump)
We just celebrated my goddaughter Alexis`s 3rd birthday on the 23rd of January, Isaac hadn`t seen her since before Christmas, so it was really exciting for him. We had a lot of fun but didn't stay long, Isaac had a bad attitude all day.
Isaac has had a lot of sleep problems since we moved, he says he has monsters in his room, always wants to sleep in the livingroom and never sleeps for more then 7 hrs. He has also stopped taking daily naps. I really don`t know what it is. He has had a bit of an issue with his asthma at night, and we figure the lady downstairs must smoke, even though we live in a smoke free house, we did discuss it with our landlord and she said she would take care of it.
The weather is finally nice here, we had a week of nice weather, then a nasty blizzard, and now it is back to being nice. I enjoy seeing the sunshine.
My bff is 21weeks pregnant, and just found out she is having a boy, after having two girls, we are all really excited for them.
Ok, got all my news out.

Gallbladder attack like Satan's hellfire in my stomach!

2011-01-07T08:29:00.003-07:00

Oh my goodness. I have never been in so much pain in my life. On Wednesday night, I ate Spagetti and cheese, a handful of regular lays chips, and at 11pm, I felt like I was dying. I kept having to burp, but couldnt. I had this horrible pain just under my ribcage on my right side, and right through to my back. I did not sleep a wink that night, and vomited for 3 hours straight. I finally woke Chris up at 7 to take me to the hospital, but he made it a point that the doctor opened at 9am, and since the ER has been a waiting disaster, waiting to see the DR might be faster. I got an appointment at 11:45, by this time the pain had subsided quite a bit. My doctor poked and proded me, made me cry, did this did that, asked athousand questions, then told me it was likely my Gallbladder. He called it Cholecystitis, basically gallstones in my inflamed gallbladder. I am the right age and the right weight for it to happen. He ran a lot of bloodtests and I have an ultrasound on Monday, but I have to wait for results and such before I know for sure. But I am pretty sure. He gave me some Tylenol #3 and gravol, and the combination of the two make me warm and fuzzy inside. I slept finally, for 14 hours, that was nice after not being able to at all, and I am on a diet of the plain and bland. After not eatting for a whole day my stomach was flat for the first time in years, lol. I cannot eat anything with highfat, or even moderate fat, I have to eat salads and drink fluids. Its good, a good kickstart to a healthier new year.
Anyhow, thats all so far. The pain is still there, but not as predominant as it was before, just a dull ache now. I am feeling somewhat better, but not really.
More to come when I find out more.

Moving, and sick.

2011-01-04T07:05:00.004-07:00

It has been a really tough month here, December can go straight to he** for all I care. My poor child has been so ill, he had a lung infection, and just as he was getting over it, I got really sick with bronchitis, and he got sick again. We have been dealing with non stop sleeping and fevers. We also moved within all of this. So not only is Ikey dealing with being super sick and sleepy, he is also attempting to adjust to his new surrounding. We also discovered that he is severely allergic to dogs while he was being babysat by his Gramma and Papa. He had a bit of a bad hive reaction on Christmas Day at my parents, but on the 29th of December at his other gma and papa's he because puffy and swollen. We needed to take him to the hospital, even though they didn't do anything, I wanted to be there just in case he went anaphylaxic. The doctor switched him from Benadryl to Clairatin.
I am finally better, I had to take 3 different regimes of medications to find the right combination, I was diagnosed with Bronchial Pneumonia, but my lungs were clear, I just could not catch my breath for the life of me. I am finally better though after I was put on prednisone for 5 days. I feel sorry for people who have to take prednisone for longer then 5 days, they were so hard on my stomach I was on the verge of vomiting every second of the day. '
I haven't been getting much sleep, since Ikey has been sick he seems to whine all night in his sleep, then wake up and want to get up at 3am. I think on average I am getting about 4 hours a night, at least for the last week.
Christmas was nice, we had a nice little family morning, just the three of us, then we went to my in laws for the rest of the morning, then to my dads for the day and dinner, where we ate lasagna, mmmm. I love my parents lasagna. Our new years was uneventful, we had originally had plans to go to a friends house, but because Isaac had such a high fever we decided against it and spent the night at home, asleep before midnight (preparing to be up with the toddler at 3am).
It has been nice to start the new year off in a new house though, much better then living in an apartment, although I do miss it. Adjusting to house heat and water is different, and I find myself cold very often, and having everything in boxes isn't helping either, I can not find ANYTHING in my house, haha. So far so good.

TTC in The future?

2010-12-07T17:57:00.002-07:00

So, we have hit an impass in the TTC world. Things with my body seem to be messed right up and I am not doing what I wish I could be, and that my friends is Ovulate. My body has completely stopped producing eggs. I am also suffering from the period from hell. I have been on it for what seems like forever. I had 11 days off while I was on 2 weeks of Prometrium (progesterone) to get it to stop, but just after I finished taking it, it came right back again. Hubby and I need to discuss somethings about the future of our family, as it looks like we may never have any more children. The "H" word (Hystorectomy) was thrown around in the doctors office today, or Ablasion, which is still difficult to hear, either way pregnancy is impossible. We are investigating the possibility of endometriosis on top of my PCOS. The doctor has put me on Seasonale birthcontrol, thats the kind that you take for 3 months in a row, so that we can stop the bleeding for a while and let my uterus rest, which seems to be the best, then we are going to visit the ideas again after 6 months or so. I really don't want to have to take another invasive approach to have a baby, so I think we will take it day by day. I am blessed to have Isaac, and if that is all that God will give me, then I remain truly blessed and will be happy with that.
We are moving (Thank gooooooodness) I am so happy to be getting out of here. I can not tell you how much I hate living in this neighbourhood, in this crappy expensive apartment. We found something much cheaper in a better neighbourhood closer to those we are closest to, much better. Have been doing a lot of cleaning and a lot of packing. There is 4 years worth of nastyness in this apartment, and the place we are moving to has no storage, but the upside of it, it is a house, and will be so much better for Isaac's asthma and allergies then this apartment.
Anyhow, thats it, thats all. I will update about the ttc stuff at a later date.

Isaac turns 2

2010-11-29T21:04:00.005-07:00

Wow, Isaac's birthday has come and gone, he is 2 years old now! Sleeping in a big boy bed, potty training, speaking a mile a minute and making sense when he does. I can not believe how much my little buddy has grown up. He had tons of fun, on his actual birth DAY we had a few friends over for dinner and cake. He really enjoyed that, Lexi is his best friend, and I don't think he would have wanted it any other way. On the weekend we went to my dads to celebrate my grandfather's (Isaac's great grandfather) 80th birthday. We were also celebrating my sister in laws 22nd birthday. It was really nice, my parents flew my grandparents here from Kelowna BC just for the few days, put together an excellent supper for 20 people, and had some great chit chat with the family. We also got some free entertainment out the picture window, my dads house faces vertically to a street and down the street we got to see person get pulled over, chased, tazered and jumped by about 8 police men and women, it was neat. Not something you see everyday in this neck of the woods.
Isaac's asthma is getting worse, it seems that he is coughing more often, and a deep cough too. We got him a humidifier, so we will see how that works out.
So, on a personal note, I had not been getting my af for quite a while, I think I counted 94 days, then she came with vengeance. I had her for 24 days. At the 21st day I finally went to the doctor and he put me on prometrium, which is progesterone, and within just a few days of taking it AF went away. But there seems to be something wrong with me, and another baby may not be in our future. We shall see. I am happy with the way things are, so either way I am happy with it.
Anyway, that is all that has been going on lately. I will hopefully update sooner then Christmas. I am going to go see my bff get her 12 week ultrasound on the 10th of December, so I may update then. Until next time, take care.

Winter is comming!

2010-11-05T15:10:00.005-06:00

Hello world. I have not been around for a while, there has been what seems like so much going on. Isaac is well, he is healthy, which is good, that's a good thing about a bad cold, that you always seem to get better from it. He is talking like crazy! Just over the last few weeks he has flourished in his vocabulary, I understand him at least 80% of the time now. It makes things a lot easier on me to know what he wants or what he needs.
Halloween was nice, I went out with the hubby, Ikey, my best friend and her daughters. We got a decent haul for a 23 month old with peanut allergies. Isaac was a Teddy Bear, so adorable!
My mother is moving back to California, so things around here will return to normal shortly, which will be good, it is difficult to share a room with a toddler that wakes up to the slightest noise, I am sure it will be nice for him to get his room back, he will also be getting a bed for his birthday, so the transition should be quick and easy. My mom will be missed around here, she made the days fun and entertaining.
Winter is slowly approaching, I thought it was here but we have been lucky enough to warm up again. It was 22C here yesterday! Warm weather means that the hubby stays working. They cut their hours down though from 11 to 9 a day, but that is expected this close to winter and the loss of daylight.
Ikey's birthday is only 19 days away. I am getting nervous and excited at the same time, it seems to be coming around more quickly, this year just flew right by. This birthday we are also celebrating my grandfathers 80th on the same day, so Isaac's great grandparents get to meet him for the first time on his birthday, which is really neat! They live in BC so we don't see them much.
My best friend found out that she is pregnant! This is # 3 for her. She managed to get pregnant in 1 month after being off the IUD. I think that's pretty amazing. The baby, although was a surprise, was a planned surprise but no one thought it would come so soon.
We were going to attempt to conceive again, especially since my bff is pregnant (it brought the want back) but things are no longer working the way they should down south, so I have a feeling it may take a while to have another one. It would be a great blessing, but if it doesn't happen, i am ok with that.

That's pretty much everything that has been happening lately, not a lot.
Started journalling again, so its easier to remember things.

RSV and Being Super Mom.

2010-09-25T21:58:00.007-06:00

My dear boy has managed to get himself so sick. My biggest fear when he was an infant was RSV (Respiratory syncytial virus )because he was a late term preemie, and it can cause severe lung damage in infants, but since he is almost two, I really was not worried about it anymore. About a week ago he couldn't sleep because he was coughing so bad. He was wheezing so bad, and was so listless, so we took him to the doctor. The doctor diagnosed him with an ear infection in both ears, but didn't hear a wheeze, possibly because he was freaking out so bad about the stethoscope. Well, he was put on a 7 day course of anti-biotics, and it seemed to help, however, this past Wednesday and early morning Thursday (the 22nd and 23rd) he could not sleep again because of this awful cough. Him and I were sitting on the floor preparing ourselves for bed time, when he looked at me, turned green and vomited all over me. This was the first time he had EVER puked since he was a baby and was spitting up, so I was immediately concrned. I cried like a baby due to my anxiety, covered in vomit and my baby is feeling crappy. Chris and I, after the whole early morning of coughing decided that if he puked again we were taking him to the hospital. 3 projectile sessions later, we were off to the hospital. His initial stats were
Oxygen Saturation levels 82% ( 93-95 are where he should be) and his heart rate was 180 beat per min. We were rushed in right-a-way. Put on oxygen, had Ventolin treatments, some epinephrine to open his lungs and we were admitted into the pediatric ward because he needed to be on oxygen and in isolation, in case he was immuno-compromised or contagious. Turns out, after much deliberation, he has RSV. with probable asthma. We spent a total of 32 hrs in the hospital, and 15 of those were on oxygen. He was on 5 puffs of Ventolin every 1/2 hr, then every hour and is now down to 2 puffs every 5hrs, oral steroids and a bronciodiolator. He is doing so much better and is improving hourly. We have had 2 good sleeps at home now.
As for being Super mom. I had to go at this alone, not because of anything bad, but Chris had to go back to work for the first time in 3 weeks, and we need the money, so I stayed in the hospital. I have really bad anxiety especially in hospitals, but I put on my big girl panties, and my special mom hat and did what I had to do to be calm for my baby. I am vainly proud of myself. We both survived. And I hope to Jesus that we never have to go back there again. It was a reasonable experience, no complaints there, but still. He was such a strong little man, so aware and so easy going towards everyone, knowing we were there so he would feel better. On to healing. Thanks for reading :).

Surviving sleep deprivation- A Mother on Auto-pilot.

2010-09-17T06:46:00.004-06:00

I remember when I was a teenager, and I could get up at 7am after being out until 3am and still function through the day. I remember in my early 20's wanting to do nothing but sleep all day, noon, one, that was my regular wake up time, off to work by 2 in the afternoon. I really loved sleep before Isaac was born. Everyone kept telling me to get all the sleep I could before he was born, but what did I know? I was nesting by the end. 24 hrs before he was born I helped my roommate move out, cleaned 2 bedrooms and moved our entire bedroom set into the master suite. I assume that may have been why he came so early, but who knows. For the first 4 months, almost 6 months of his life I mourned my bed, I cried for it. I frequently slept when Isaac did, but it was never enough. I slept on the floor in the livingroom, in a rocking chair, almost always with Isaac in my arms, so you are never really fully asleep. Then Isaac started sleeping through the night. He would get up at midnight and 3am for a bottle, but my husband would do the midnight feed and I would do the 3am feed, so I was potentially getting 5 hours a night, which was pretty good from the little nap/sleeps I was getting before that. Now that Isaac is nearly 2, I am very used to going to bed at 10/11/12 and getting up at 7 or 8am. However, we were recently thrown into a different routine where my mother moved in with us. We have a tiny 2 bedroom apartment, with a reasonabely sized master bedroom, in which we moved our 21 month old into so that my mother could have her privacy. Well, Isaac is used to having his own room, so sharing is a little awkward for him. But he has always managed. He is also suffering an ear infection in both ears currently, so my husband and I have not had much sleep in the last week. I am so suprised at how easily I can function though through-out the day, its amazing that I can get anything done. I have been extremely lucky to have the hubby home the last 2 weeks, that has helped termendiously, but I survive on auto pilot. I have the ability to go to be with a screaming toddler at 4am and get up at 7am and function for the entire day. Us humans are a pretty neat species.

The randomness that is now September.

2010-09-11T11:02:00.003-06:00

I am completely amazed that it is September 11th, I cannot believe the time is going by so fast now-a-days. Isaac will be 2 in just over 2 months. He is growing up very nicely. He is in the perfect learning stage of development, every day is something new. He can name at least 10 body parts, count to 10 (sort of), know what people are talking about, understand some shapes, like a circle, or a square. He understands that an oval is sort of a circle.
He is still really pickey about what he eat, but is eatting a lot more now, he is mostly all about chicken nuggets and french fries. He can say fries and know what they are, lol.
It has been raining almost all summer, which is so unusual for Calgary. We usually have a pretty mild summer. The warmest we got all year was 31C, and for only one day, normally we have 3 weeks of hot hot weather. And with the rain, the husband has been home more often again, unable to work in the mud.
Things are going well. Its in the plans to move in January, so I hope I have time to update. More later.

And now for something completely different

2010-08-09T12:30:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was my husband's birthday. He decided he wanted to take our son to see his work site. He is a heavy equiptment operator and drives a gigantic earthmover. They are currently building a new community in the North West of the city. I have been to his job sites before, but have never really cared much for it. Yesterday I really appreciated it. I am not sure why, but I think it was because it was a nice escape. I know this city inside and out, and there is rarely a place I have never been, but here it was, this beautiful place, out in the middle of knowwhere, you could see rolling hills, wheat fields, mountains... It was beautiful! And Isaac really enjoyed himself. We let him run a round a little and play in the dirt. My husband showed me a different terrains in the rock beds, a natural spring pouring from the side of the hill, that the beautiful red rock that caught my attention was actually a lump of clay, that the rocks were smooth, made from soap stone... It was as if I actually had a chance to relax and enjoy myself for once. It was beautiful, and I regret I didnt have a camera when I experienced it.

Potty Training...The beginning.

2010-07-24T12:06:00.004-06:00

Isaac has started to show interest in potty training. He has started to refuse to wear diapers. Takes them off as soon as there is any indication of wetness. We bought some Pull-ups, but I find them a bit of a waste of money, and since we bought the ones that get cold, i find that Isaac thinks they are burning him, he becomes extremely aggravated and rips them off the first chance he gets. We are still not quite to serious about it though, just attempting to get him to know what peeing in the potty is. I am sure he isn't quite ready yet, but we will get there.

Peanut Allergy or not?

2010-07-09T17:43:00.005-06:00

Its a little hard to see the picture of Isaac's rash, but it came right after eatting a couple of peanuts. He came to me crying and gagging, and I thought it was because peanuts can be sharp, and he isn't used to that kind of food. Then he is making a little hack noise, and a deep cough. I panicked! His cousin Alexis has a peanut allergy, she gets anaphylaxis from peanuts, so we are normally really careful, but he has been fine eatting peanut contaminated food before. But the rash came so fast, I knew. And he was crying and having problems breathing. I made him drink some juice and he told me he was itchy, I made a million phone calls and finally called the poison control center, who told me to give him benadryl. I do not recommend you panic like I did. Call 911. Which is what I should have done, but, thank God, he was fine after the benadryl. Now we go see the the Doctor to get a referal to the allergist.

Summer has started

2010-06-22T09:27:00.004-06:00

It is finally nice here! We have had non stop rain and/or snow here all year, but just over the weekend it started to get warmer! We took Isaac to the splash park for the first time, he had a blast! Got himself soaked. I had so much fun too. I did wake up to thunder and lightning at about 4am, but its gone now.
My mother has been here since June 8th, she went home today but may be comming back in August. It has been nice having her here, definatly spoiled me! Some one who did the dishes, cleaned up after the baby, bought dinners and lunches, haha. I enjoyed having her company, after 11 years it was quite nice to have our visit. It was sad to say good bye, Isaac has become very attatched to her too. I hope things work out for her though.
Back to the trying to concieve road again. I am not ovulating, at all. With my PCOS before Isaac, I had always ovulated at least 90% of the time, but since I have been off the pill I have not had one temperature spike through out my cycles, and no positive ovulation tests either. I really don`t want to go through the fertility clinic again, that was so stressful. I think we will probably be going the clomid route in August. But, if that doesnt work by December, I will be looking at the option of a hysterectomy. PCOS has never really bothered me, but laitly I have been going through menopausal issues, and if I go through pary-meno, I will just get the hysterectomy. Alas. .. Other then ttc, life is good. Summer is here.

Isaac is 18 months old!

2010-05-25T08:39:00.004-06:00

Today my baby boy is officially a toddler. He is 18 months old. Weights 26lbs, is 2 foot 8, and speaks about 30 words. He uses a fork, has an attitude, likes to spit out food, and his favorite show is Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I find it so hard to believe that a year ago he couldn't even sit up or crawl. Life is so amazing. Happy Toddler day little man.

...4,5,6....Um.

2010-05-10T14:50:00.003-06:00

Well it looks like the road to conceive again will be a hard one, again. My cycles have become so infrequent and erratic that I still have no idea if I ovulated or not. I really didn't want to conceive with Doctor intervention. Next month I will be taking my temperature everyday. The husband went back to his old job, so we are spending more time together, more then I would like actually, but what am I going to do, ha ha. He has been off for two weeks because of the rain we have been getting, but today he went back to work. Which on one hand has been a great thing, but one the other had horrible because I threw my back out about 5 days ago, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. We were going through boxes in our storage room trying to get a little bit of spring cleaning done, and I must have picked them up wrong, I severely bruised my Trapizius muscle (the V shaped muscle between your shoulder blades) and was put on some muscle relaxants and Tylenol # 3s. I haven't been able to take anything today because I don't want to be a bad parent and fall asleep while watching the baby, but I did manage to get him to have a 3.5 hour nap today, which was also a 3.5 hour nap for me.
We are going to be moving soon. We found a great rental rate on an apartment suite we used to live in. Its a great size, family oriented, and in the area that we wanted Isaac to go to school in. The rental rate is also a nice dramatic change, we will be saving about $300+ dollars a month. The only downfall is we won't really but close to anything, where we are now I can walk to the train, the mall, the walmart, but there the closest thing is a 7-11, and I have to take the bus anywhere. But our doctor is right there in the same place as the 7-11.
Isaac is talking a lot more, he is 17 months old now, and seems to know what cause and effect are, its funny because I know people who know less about common sense then he does. He is so intelligent.
That's all for right now. :)

Here we go, 1,2,3.....CONCIEVE!

2010-04-22T14:45:00.003-06:00

We are on the road again, trying for baby # 2. Technically we are only at the point of not preventing, but in August we will probably be using clomid to concieve if we have'nt already by then. I think Isaac is ready to be a big brother, you can tell he is so bored during the day if there is no one to play with, and we live in an apartment complex that doesnt cater to kids. In fact we live in the adult building, but we moved during a rental epidemic and had no children when we moved in, but there are other kids here. So, he really likes having other kids around, I am more scared of the division of attention as Isaac is my little miracle. Its not to say that we will even have another baby, but I want to try before I go and get my tubes tied. Thats all thats really new right now.

What a tangled web we weave

2010-03-16T22:47:00.003-06:00

Wow, so much going on lately, its unreal. My husband started a new job this week, and it has been incredibly difficult on all of us, I am so use to him doing the bedtime routine for Isaac, and so was Isaac, that the transition has been incredibly difficult on Isaac and I. He is getting used to it, but its still challenging. It is also lonely eating dinner alone. As it was the only meal my husband and I ever really ate together.
I went off my post part um medication this past week too, and I never realised that I could be addicted to a legal substance. The withdrawls have not helped with the transitions this week, however, my moods have stabilized somewhat. I know that in time things will return to normal, but its a drastic change for all of us right now, and I really hate change.
I was on the road to wanting to have another baby, but have since changed my mind. If we are blessed enough to have another baby, then I am all for having another baby, but as for trying, medicating myself, going through emotional hell... It really isn't healthy for anyone, and Isaac is very much the baby in the family, that I would like to give him the chance to be.
I have started this herbal medicine kick lately. I am really against medications that cause such problems like Anti-depressants, that I think herbal is the way to go. With Isaac being so young too, there really is no option when he is sick, and he tends to get sick quite often. I don't mean for everything though, obviously if he were sick enough to need anti-biotics I would never deny him that, but for things like cold relief of teething pains, etc, herbal is the way to go.
Isaac has turned into a mighty firecracker. He chats non stop, has a very large vocabulary, and is starting to put words together, like "no done" for not done, and things of the same. He is 31.5 inches tall. He thinks that anything he puts up to his ear is a phone, even a piece of paper. He is starting to walk alone, meaning that we can actually take him to the mall and not worry that he is going to run away. Although I still bring the stroller just-in-case. And he has used the potty a few times. We aren't quite serious on the potty training frontier yet, but we have introduced it to him, and he has gone a few times, making me very proud.
That is about all right now, it has been a while since an update. I hope it finds you well.

Talk Talk Talk Talk

2010-01-17T19:38:00.004-07:00

Isaac has started (and has yet to stop) talking! He doesnt quite grasp what he is saying, but is mimicing like crazy! He blabbers too, non stop, its so cute. The other morning (5am) I awoke to him singing in his crib.
Having a toddler is not as bad as I thought, its getting easier.

Le Sigh.

2009-11-16T14:53:00.004-07:00

Alright, I have to admit that I am scared of toddlers. They scare the bejebus out of me! They are like small people that have attitude and talk back, they hit and you can't hit them back. Ok....So Isaac is going to be a toddler. I honestly can not say that I will be scared of him because I still see him as that tiny little baby I gave birth to a year ago.
Isaac is walking, attempting to talk and dance. He makes me laugh and smile everyday, and laitly, cry a little too. I am losing my baby, he is going to be 1!
Ikes dad and I discussed having another child recently, but I think the urge was more of missing the small quiet person I had in the house, when really, if you think about the logic, I would have to attempt to get pregnant again, which would be months, weeks and maybe years of failed cycles, medications and sweari9ng at God for no apparent reason, then when I finally did get pregnant I would be on nasty medication for 12 weeks, would probably bleed and scare the crap out of myself. I would gain another insane amount of weight due to inactivity because I am scared to losing said baby, then complaining of every ache and pain for 9 months, to end with edema, and last but not least pushing another watermelon out. Then there is the fun afterwards, the newborn isnt crying/waking, we must set the alarm every 5 mins to feed it, it has colic and you live in a one floor apartment, where you would like to throw said newborn out a window, lol. Then there is teething, and seperation anxiety, and this is all just the first year! Ok ok, don't get me wrong, I love being a parent, I love Isaac very much, but this past year, atleast the first 6 months were pure sleep deprived hell. So no, not any time soon will we be having another child, we will be enjoying the one we have.

Ok, rant over..

11 months old

2009-10-27T22:07:00.006-06:00

It is so hard to believe that Isaac is almost a year old already, I still feel like he is just a little bean inside of me. Since 2004 DH and I attempted to have a child, with such heartache and frustration, to be celebrating a whole year of life with Isaac is amazing. He is a big boy, weighing 23.5lbs, he is within the 75th percentile. He started to walk at the very beginning of October, and he is blabbing a lot, which is so sweet. He has started to smile and flirt with whomever will give him the time of day. I love being a mother so much.

TTC Nostalgia

2009-06-19T12:08:00.005-06:00

Isaac is almost 7 months! 6 days from now. He seems to be doing really well, at his last doctors visit I was told he was ahead of the game, which is so good to hear. He isn't crawling, but he has started rolling around the whole house, he JUST started lifting his bum in a crawling position, so soon enough. He has discovered that he has individual fingers and constantly watches them, he scrapes along the carpet with his fingers to grab toys. He sits up now unassisted too. We had a bout of baby measles, hes best friend had them and as they share everything, of course they will share illnesses too. They didn't last very long though, he was sick to begin with and only has the rash for 2 days, during his illness he got his first tooth, which I found completely baffeling, as he didnt drool or complain about his mouth once, but I assume he had other things on his mind. He is still sick now, with a sinus thing, and a pretty cruel diaper rash as he is teething the other bottom tooth.
So, I have been thinking about TTC # 2... Am I nuts? On the surface I think it would be so easy to have another baby, but when I dig down I remember.... It took me 4 years to have Isaac, it took 100lb weight loss,many tests, much hell and a horrible pregnancy to get him here. I have gained over half the weight I lost, so i would have to lose that again, I refuse to be that heavy, as my health is already suffering. Last month I though I might be pregnant, I was late and had the feelings, but they say when you spend a lot of time with someone your cycles coincide...well my friend was pregnant and miscarried, which brought back a whole schwack of other memories! Well, i think i will keep my options open, but will keep it on the back burner for now, DH and I have given it 2 years before we start ttc again, and hopefully we can wait that long.

Almost 5 months!

2009-04-15T10:34:00.004-06:00

I seriously can not believe how fast time is passing! Isaac is almost 5 months old already. We had started him on some solids, he is going through 2 cans of formula a week, and thats getting a little pricy, so since we started him on solids he has slowed down on the formula. Everything is going well, he is 15 lbs now. We were dealing with a flat head issue, and it seems to have rounded out really nicely, we used a side sleeping device. He will let us know what he needs by his crys, when he is tired, when he is hungry, when he needs changed, its really neat. He has become very attatched to his pacifier and I am not to keen on that, but if it keeps him happy I am happy. We also got him a bumbo chair, he LOVES it! It is a great idea for babies who want to sit up but arent quite there yet. Thats our update, nothing else really going on. Husband is on unemployment and has been since Isaac was born, we are waiting to see if he goes back to the same position or if he needs to look for something else, in the mean time he only has 16 weeks left of EI. Isaac is calling, I must go now.

12 weeks old.

2009-02-17T14:25:00.003-07:00

I still go through this daily ritual, I pick the baby up when he wakes up, i count his fingers, count his toes, listen to his heart beat and stare at him in amazment, I honestly cannot believe how much of a miracle he truly is. What a miracle life it self is, that a tiny little egg and a tiny little sperm can make a human being! Isaac is so amazing, he is starting to babble, his cries have changed and he lets you know a bit more about what he wants, he plays with toys, watches mobiles, smiles a lot, coos a alot, and still cries a lot. He eats all the time, between every 3-6 hours and still isn't sleeping through the night. He has been in size 3-6 month clothes since a week ago, he is so huge! Last time we weighed him he was 12 lbs 2oz. I find it so neat to watch him make all of these milestones daily. I am truly blessed to be a mother.

8 Weeks

2009-01-19T14:49:00.001-07:00

Isaac is 8 weeks old tomorrow! It is really exciting watching him grow, he is hitting milestones daily, he knows who we are, he watches us, stares into space, looks at pictures, looks at his reflection, stares intently at faces and toys, coos, crys, sleeps, he copys us and can giggle. He has become quite the sweetie, and he has developed such a personality. He has gas colic, which makes him cry all the time. We had to switch formula because the other one was to hard on his tummy, so he is on GoodStart now. He has stopped the horrible all day crying, but still has his nightly 3 hour episode. We befriended a neighbour who takes Isaac when he gets to hard to handle, which isnt often, but does happen. It can be quite challening some days, but we are really used to him. He is our little miracle boy.

Isaac Kristoffer.

2008-12-04T19:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I am so happy to say that our miracle arrived a month early! He is safe and sound, and healthy. We are truly blessed to have him here. He was born 3 and 1/2 weeks early on November 25th, his original due date was December 18. He was 6lbs 5oz, 19 inches long. My labour was very short, a total of 6 hours from when my water broke, but 3 hours from my induction. He was born at 9:55am and came in 2 pushes. I was in so much shock I had no idea what happened as he came so fast. He is here, and has a VERY powerful set of lungs. He eats well now, but lost a lot of weight in the first week, he is slowly gaining it back. He had jaundice, but it went away over the first few days of life. He is our perfect little man.

Half Way There!!!!

2008-07-24T15:14:00.000-06:00

19 weeks!!! We have made it soooo far! I had an ultrasound on July 22 at 18wk 5d. The baby is perfect, so healthy, growing so well, 10 fingers and 10 toes! I am in such disbeliefe that we have made it this far, it seems so surreal. We are slowly getting prepared, we have a crib and some clothes so far, but thats it. I am going to wait until my babyshower in October before I start buying more things just incase we get everything we need. All is good in our little life, we are so elated to become parents! Only 20 weeks left, and concidering how fast these last 19 weeks went I am sure it will just fly by.

13 weeks

2008-06-13T11:37:00.000-06:00

I had my Nuchal Translucency scan on Wednesday, June 11th, which was also my 3 yr wedding anniversary. We could not have had better results! The baby is absolutly perfect, the heart beat was 163 beats per minute, it had all the proper structurs and weighed 3 oz so far! I am really excited about the results, they said that the pregnancy should be fine. The only issues are non-related to the baby. I have a low lying placenta, but that is from having a tilted uterus that corrected itself, and it will lift up over time, and I have a SubChronic Hematoma which is a small blood clot beneth the placenta, but should resolve itself in the next few weeks. It is possibly cause from me being so sick and having to cough a lot. As for being sick, I have been for 4 weeks now, but i think it is mostly environmental, it is allergy season, and it finally has stopped raining here.

11 weeks strong!

2008-06-02T11:41:00.001-06:00

11 week bump! How exciting is that to say?! I have waited so long to get to this point, and everything is going A-OK! We had a little ultrasound at 10 weeks 5 days and found out that the baby is developing perfectly, there is an imbelical cord, which means i have developed a placenta, and that it is no longer a gestational sac, and we watched the heart actually beat, it wasn't a little flash, it was an actual beat, with all 4 valves intact! I am really excited. I am 11 weeks and 4 days, nearly 12 weeks. I have another ultrasound, a Nuchal scan, on June 11th, which is only 9 days from now, so if i get pictures or what not, I will post again.

11th times a charm??

2008-04-23T22:04:00.000-06:00

So, as you can see, i found out that I am pregnant on April 11th. It took me a week to see the doctor because i was doing the wait and see approach, I only lasted a week before i saw him and he confirmed that I am pregnant again. My HCG level was at 3031, which apparently is quite high for 19dpo. I hate to get excited, but can't help it, everytime i have a little pain i hold my breath. I will keep you all updated on how things are going, as of today I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant. I have all the typical symptoms, and they get stronger everyday. Wish me luck, i think i might need it :).

New Start

2008-02-28T22:15:00.000-07:00

I am ready again. I finished off my last pill on February 19th. Which means that I begin a new cycle. A fresh cycle. We went to our last break appointment on Feb 27th, where we found out that there is nothing really stopping us from TTC again. There are no chromesomal problems, and no defect, DH was cleared as a carrier for Angelmans, and that leaves us to where we are now. The RFC won't see us because I can get pregnant, and don't need assistance, and there is nothing basically wrong with me, other then the PCOS. But there are millions of women out there that have PCOS and babies. We chalked it up to keep on trying and never stop until it happens. Our doctor told us that this month is the best one to try since we are just comming off the pill, that my eggs will be rearing to go. Wish us luck, ill keep you all updated.

Life is so amazing

2008-02-02T01:54:00.000-07:00

I wanted to share that I got to watch a child be brought to this world. My best friend of ten years let me be involved in the birth of her new baby girl! Alexis was born on January 24th, 2008 @ 10:31pm. Her mother Meloney was induced after 39 weeks due to Alexis not gaining anymore weight. The experience was amazing. Meloney was induced with Oxytocin at about 8:00pm, and the contractions started to go one on top of the other by 9:30pm. After holding her hand for an hour she screamed "the baby is comming!!!" The doctor came in, rolled Mel on to her back, and wham! this precious tiny baby was born. She was born at 5lbs and 1/4oz. So tiny, but so very much alive. Thank you Meloney for letting me be apart of such an amazing event.

Todays are always brighter then yesterdays

2007-09-23T20:43:00.000-06:00

I am in a good mood, scratch that, fantastic mood, for the first time in a VERY long time. Life is good for me right now. I have been on the "pill" for 2 weeks now, and I have no thoughts of getting pregnant right now. It is nice to not have that on my mind all the time. I got myself a job at a clothing store, part time, and it is a fantastic job. I get a 50% discount. The hours work out in my favour. I also have some other stuff going on too. My Best friend is 6 months pregnant, and we are preparing for her delivery, which i will be apart of. I also have an appointment with out local genetic's lab to make some progress as to why we keep having miscarriages. I am also happy to say that I have lost a total of 80lbs in the last 8 months. Feeling good looking good. Thought I would share that :).

Sheena

Over and over again

2007-09-10T08:42:00.000-06:00

Well, that was short lived. I had my 8 wk scan on Aug 30th, and discovered that I had a silent m/c at 6 wks. It was weird. I had all these symptomes still, yet, I was no longer pregnant. I am getting pretty tired of all of this. I am at 10 losses now. Diagnosed with Unexplained Recurrent Loss Syndrom. Its a pain in the ass. I had a D&C on Sept 5th. In that, it was a tramatic experience. My last D&C was done at emerg. so i didnt really know what was going on, this time it was the waiting, and the antisipation, and I literally freaked out so bad I had to be knocked out.
They are doing fetal Karyotyping this time to see if there are any genetic or chromosomal abnormalities. But that will take 3 months to get back. We were also told that we need to take a 6 month break to see what going on, and create a plan of action. I think we need it. I already feel like i have a big piece of my life back. I have basically devoted the last 3 years solely to getting pregnant. So now...I am lost. I have no idea what to do. As if a big piece of me is missing. I am sure I will get over all of this, but its hard, as it is every time.
I start the pill tomorrow...Hurray! 28 day cycles!

Positive pregnancy test

2007-08-10T00:31:00.001-06:00

Here we go again. A positive test, 48 days after my miscarriage. I have never gotten pregnant right after a miscarriage before. So hopefully this one will work out.

Pos test Aug 9, 2007

Life choices.

2007-07-10T14:40:00.000-06:00

heres a little bit more about me.

I get a lot of flack about this, and sometimes it bothers me, but to get it out there might make someone understand something that I don't see that they arent getting...haha long run on sentence.

I have a child, I know his name, I know where he is, I know how tall he is, that he is smart, growing well...etc. "Then where is he?" Well, I placed him for open adoption.

You can think about me however you want, but remember that it was my decision, and in the end, I know it was the right one.

Nick is 5 now....Wow, that is so hard to believe that so many years have passed since that day, that i still remember as well as yesterday. When he was born, he was so perfect, 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes, perfect apgar score, a little bit of a crowned head..lol. He was 7 lbs 14 oz, and born at 12:02 in the morning on February 7, 2002. I had so many visitors, people who were weary of visting me, not knowing whether I was going to crack and throw them all out. I really enjoyed my experience. I had a God aweful pregnancy, and at 17, you have no idea what to expect. I had decided on adoption when i was 5 months pregnant. Why? There are so many reasons why. My age, that was a big issue, my life style, not that i did drugs or anything, but I wasnt done yet. My boyfriend and I had recently broken up, and he had already made plans with his life that i didnt want to interfear with, but i did tell him my choice, and he agreed with me. I was also on birthcontrol, but apparently you can become more fertile on birthcontrol when you are lacking the hormones anyway...(if only i knew then what i know now).
My father was a big influence in my adoption, but i was the one who said the final say, but he had sat me down and made me realise what i may be getting myself into. I was scared, as any pregnant teen was. I have no regrets about this, I know where he is, what hes doing, his health, his lifestyle, and i tell you what, I am so proud of that boy, how smart he is...just amazes me.
The only thing i wish is that i was more involved in his life, but that is my decisison, and with all the defficulty with trying to concieve, I really hold a strong part of my heart for him, but it is difficult.
A lot of people ask me "Since you are having such a problem with infertility, why did you give him up?" Remember though, 5 years have passed, I am married now, have a life with my husband, who want to be a father as bad as i want to be a mother, it has to do with timing, and the obvious fact, that i didnt know that i would never have another baby at the time. Sometimes, i wonder if i am being punished or tested, but really, i just think its all about timing.. Again, i will never give up trying to have another child, but at the same time, i don't regret any life choices I have or had made.

A bit about me before we get started.

2007-07-10T10:59:00.000-06:00

I decided to start a blog because I am full of a lot of emotion that needs to get out. I honestly don't care who reads it as long as they know what they are getting themselves into. I can be quite the emotional wreck sometimes. I wanted to start this because I have been dealing with infertility, and it can be quite the journey. Full of love, hate, frustration, you name the emotion, I've felt it.
This is me, and this is what I have been going through.

My name is Sheena, I am married to Chris, and have been for 2 years now. Our hectic journey of trying to concieve started in August 2004, when i discovered that I was pregnant. At this time, Chris and I had just broken up, because i had found out that he had cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship. I hadn't moved out yet, but was in the process of making arrangments before i found out. The situation wasn't good to start out with, my dear female roomate was presuing my boyfriend at the time, and that just made it a battle. She was pissed right off that I had gotten pregnant, and tried to convince my boyfriend that i was trying to get pregnant because i was taking my temprature all the time. I laughed this off, we werent not trying to get pregnant, plus i didnt even know what temp charting was in the beginning. I think I was stressed like mad due to this girl, and I made Chris realize what this girl was doing. After her continuous threats about me to our friends we kicked her out. Later that week I had and ultrasound done, and they found 2 little tiny sacs in my uterus. One was a little off centered though, and they started to have concern. In the mean time, I am panicking because no one is telling me anything.
Apparently I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was devistated. I had no idea what that meant. It meant that they baby was growing just outside of my filopian tube, and that I had to get it removed before it ruptured. So, they treated me with some medication, and i had miscarried both angels by my 9th and a half week. And to boot, i needed a D & C.
I was unable to come to terms with it. I had no idea what had just happened to me. I figured I was cursed or something, that I did something wrong.
About a year later, I got pregnant again. by this time, Chris and I were married, and i thought that it was cute that i had gotten pregnant within the first 3 month of us being married. We told everyone we knew, we were so excited. On faithful day at the end of august, I got stung by a wasp that flew through the truck window. I am deathly allergic to just about anything with a stinger, and I panicked, I had the worst panic attack i had ever had in my life. I had made it to the hospital in under 30 minuites, but I had to get the epinephrin injection and a benadryl drip. The doctor told me that i could likely lose the baby. I miscarried within days, at about 7 weeks into the pregnancy. Again, devistated.
About 6 months later, i believe it was february, I had found out that I was pregnant, but there were a few wonders about it, I had been quite nervous about being pregnant again, so I just let time pass, until i started bleeding yet again, and yet again, this time in the hospital, I miscarried.
April, missed my period, then spotted for 3 days, had a blood test comeback that I had pregnancy hormone, but it was to low for it to be viable. Then I blead heavy for 2 days. By this time, I know that there is something wrong with me. I missed my period, and had pregnancy tests done, but wasnt pregnant. It seemed that my doctor didnt care, he told me that lots of people miss their periods, but I wasnt convinced at all. I switched Doctors, and seeked a second opinion. I was sent for blood work and an ultrasound, and found out that i had Polycystic Ovarian disease(August 2006). I was put on metformin for insulin resistance, and the very next day i got my period
By septemeber my period was late, so I did a pregnancy test, and it was positive, I had all the symptoms of a pregnancy, yet again, started bleeding a week later.
By this time, I knew something was up and was refered to a gynocologist, who said he wouldnt treat me, that I had to be refered to the reccurent loss clinic. So, finally in january I had an appointment. By this time, I am kind of used to the shock of a miscarriage, i know what to expect, what to do... Before I was fianlly put of Clomid (fertility drug to induce ovulation) I had had 2 more "chemical pregnancys" And finally, after 2 months of clomid I finally got pregnant that wasnt a chemical pregnancy. At first everything seemed to be going well, I had symptoms, a little bit of spotting, but my hormone numbers were only increasing at a rate of 72 hours, and I was a bit stressed about that. I had spotting on June 22, and went to see the doctor, who got me to do more blood work, and as ultrasound. The ultrasound technician said that she didnt see anything, so i got scared again, and finally the doctor confirmed my fears, my hormone dropped significantly, and again I miscarried.
So that leaves me here. To the point of having no idea what to do next. As i have suffered so much loss, its sad to say that I am used to it by now, but I won't give up hope, not yet, I am still young, and maybe the the 10th time will be the charm... Until next time.
However, I am sure i will be here to rant more before I even get to that point hahaha.

Don't be discouraged by this post, cause Im not.
Sheena