Why Do I Keep Putting Myself Through This?!

What you read here needs to been kept between you and my blog. I know not a lot of people read this, but if you know me on facebook or in real life, please do not mention anything, as we are not telling our entire family until well after 12-15 weeks (mid December 2011).

The Beginning,shhh
Oct 22, 2011
Well, I have a secret and have been holding it in since October 5th. It started with me feeling funny and tired, and not feeling like myself. I also had these nasty cramps, I thought maybe Aunt-flo was coming early, which is bizarre for me, I usually have cycles from 35-45 days, never earlier unless I'm on birth control. So, after telling hubby I wasn't feeling good we both decided to get a pregnancy test just to see, and maybe it will trick my brain into making Aunt-flo come. This is a normal occurrence for women who have been trying to get pregnant, its almost like your brain will think you are pregnant until you test and see that negative, then she will come now that you are more at ease and know.
Hubby went out at 10pm to the local drug store to buy me a pregnancy test. He says, "Don't worry if its negative, Im expecting it". So up the stairs to the bathroom I went. I did my thing, replaced the cap, washed my hands, turned off the light and walked down the stairs to the kitchen where I was about to toss the test in the garbage....wait a minute. There are two pink fricken lines on this thing?! The first thing I think is maybe I still have some pregnancy hormone in my body left over from before, but no...I have had 2 cycles since then, meaning the hormone is gone...So...Omg, this means we are pregnant! I nearly threw up right then and there.
The next day I called the OB, who is the one to oversee my pregnancy (to see an ob in early pregnancy isn't the "norm" in Canada until 25 weeks). She sent me for bloodwork on the 6th, the same day my root canal was being filled, it was a great nerve racking day. Then I went again on October 8th. I didn't get any results until the 11th as Oct 10th was Canadian thanksgiving. They weren't good, so we were all concerned. They were still within the "normal" range but the numbers are supposed to double every 48 hours in early pregnancy and the numbers were very low. The first being 31 and the second being 50. So I was scheduled for bloodwork again on the 18th, so we could also predict when i could get an ultrasound. I went on Oct 18th and received the results on the 19th. If they were doubling at the same 66hr rate as before, they should have been at about 500, however, they decided to jump and reached an impressive 2589! Sure, we speculated twins for a day or so, lol, but hcg numbers really have nothing to do with that. When the nurse called on the 19th she also gave me an appointment time for an ultrasound.

You have to think now... Its only been 3, almost 4 months since Alexander left us. I am in utter shock. I also have no symptoms other then a tiny bit of nausea and heartburn. We were also not trying at all, we had decided to put this off until after Christmas so there would be less stress, i find it odd that I didnt need to track anything or write anything down and it happened completely on its own.

So... I had my ultrasound on Friday the 21st. Hubby came but wasn't allowed in since they had to do an internal. And baby bean measured a perfect 6 weeks 0days. Crown-rump length of 3.2mm and a nice starting heart rate of 95bpm. My little grain of rice. So, here we are, in this beginning stages of limbo yet again, and only time will tell how this will turn out. I have put in a lot of faith in God with this. I basically have left it in his hands, and since doing that, I have surprisingly been very calm and collective, feeling very normal and not wincing at every nudge and ache. I feel really good so far.
The next steps is to get the ultrasound results, which I know are good, but the technician was going to recommend another one in 2 weeks. Then I should be getting the cerclage around 12-13 weeks. (the cervical stitch). I am really nervous about that as they need to do a spinal anesthetic, and I am terrified of needles in my back. I have laboured naturally 3 times because I would rather feel the pain of that then ever have a needle in my back, but whatever I guess, there has to be a point in your life that you have to face your worst fears at least once.
Today I would be 6weeks and 1 day pregnant. Please keep us in your thoughts an prayers that my body, and my mind don't face yet another tragedy. This is the last time I will endure this.



Why Do They Make You Panic?
Post #2 October 28, 2011.
So, on Tuesday my OB called and said they didn't see everything they wanted to see on the last ultrasound, so they sent me back again. I ended up having some spotting this week too, probably from the ultrasound last week, but its still a shock to see blood. So, the ultrasound went well. I still have a bean in there, measuring between 6 weeks 4 days and 6 weeks 6 days, so technically only a day behind from last week, but it was a different technician and a different machine, and since the baby was so tiny last week the measurements may have been a little off. The have estimated my due date for June 16/ 2012. So the little heartbeat was 116bpm, which is perfect for the gestational age, and the crown-rump length was 7.2mm. the miscarriage percentage went do to 30% for us, but there is still a long way to go before we are out of the woods. Each new week is a milestone.


Worry-warts
Post #3- November 3rd, 2011
Well, I have had some spotting off and on for about a week, and after trick or treating with Isaac on Monday I started to have a little heavier bleeding. Then on Wednesday, the 2nd, I had clotting and some horrible cramps right in the center of my uterus. I again am feeling devistated, but I need to remain positive before I know for sure. I finally called my OB office, and the wonderful nurse booked me for a peace of mind ultrasound for Monday, November 7th. I will update then.

As Always, Everything is Okay
Post #4 November 7, 2011.
As usual, everything is fine. I have made the decision to post this today, since 8 weeks is past our first mile stone. This by no means we are out of the woods at all, it just means that the baby is healthy and growing so far, still a long road ahead. I have an appointment with the OB on November 15th. I have some questions to ask her about blood clotting mutations in my blood and to see if i should be on blood thinners other then asprin. All is well though, still taking things day by day.
8 weeks 3 days, heartbeating 171 bpm

October 15th. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberence Day

Today was filled with more significance then it ever has for me. Today was the day of The Calgary Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Service.
Today we honoured and remembered Alexander.
We started the day at Safeway, where we bought a beautiful bouquet of "crazy daisies" Which has significance to me, both the flowers from our wedding and the flowers my husband bought me when we passed out 12 week mark with Alexander. While in the parking lot off in the distance, over the cemetery, there was this beautiful cloud formation with rays of sunshine shining thorough. Also significant to me, something I have always taken as a sign from God that there is peace among us.

We arrived at the Chapel at 10am and lit a candle in remembrance. We then sat and listened to the service. Isaac was very good, he listened well and asked all kind of questions and remained quiet when others spoke. We received a single Carnation and a smoothed natural quartz rock with Alexanders name on it. We then went to the Silent Hopes garden and buried the ashes of all the passed babies from the last year. We finished the symbolism by sprinkling sand on the ashes, and a closing prayer.


It was beautiful. Such an amazing day for us, the feeling of peace and comfort. There was also a Proclamation plaque from the city mayor the stated that the City of Calgary recognised October 15th as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, which means a lot to loss parents.

We also lit a candle at 7pm during what is called the Wave of Light, which everyone affected by a loss, across the world, at 7pm, also light a candle in remembrance.


A chapter in my life is closed. Amen.

Autumn

The season has changed. It's been 3+ months since Alex's passing. The hardest part is that my step-sister, bless her soul, Is due 2 days sooner then I was, and her pregnancy is chugging right along, she is having a boy as well and she just passed 31 weeks. Its kind of a heartbreaker really, but I can't expect the whole world to stop having babies just because I am a little depressed over something completely out of my control. I am genuinely very happy for her and and boyfriend, they will be awesome parents.
I became an Aunt on September 3rd to my younger brother D and his fiancee T, they had a beautiful little boy named Tristan. Isaac thinks all these babies are pretty cool, he loves pregnant bellies.
I have been getting out more, I had to stop seeing my bestfriend, her life was just to dramatic for me, after 15 years of being by each others side, I noticed that I really don't have many friend, her an I were so close we had no need to have others in our lives, but we have truly grown apart. So I have been opening myself up to other people I haven't spoken to in a long time and that have more in common with me. I re acquainted myself with a Friend from Juniour High school who has a son who is only a year older then Isaac, and an old friend I have actually known since I we were 4, who has an 8 year old daughter and is expecting a second daughter in Jan 2012. Its been really nice to have other people to talk to and relate too. I feel much less alone.

The Decision.
So, we decided we are going to attempt to have another baby. Not to replace Alexander, but to fill the hole of wanting another child. We have both spent a lot of time discussing this and both feel that this is what we want. We are already unofficially trying at this point, we call it "Not trying but not preventing". I have had pretty regular cycles since July but my ovulation pattern is very erratic, some times early, late or not at all. I absolutely hated this part the 4 years prior to Isaac, never knowing for sure, and using kits and temping is so hard on my psyche. If we aren't pregnant by January then we will do all that stuff I suppose, we are really just taking it day by day, wait for Isaac's 3rd birthday to pass and Christmas before we add the stress. I am pretty sure I will be a parent again, I really don't see why not. Anyhow, that's my news. Take care.

Given the Ok to Try Again.

We had our 8 week check up on the 7th and met our new OBGyn. Dr.K. She self referred me to her, when we met in the hospital she found me interesting, and a "trouble maker" (Needs constant monitoring in pregnancy). She told us at our appointment that she wants to be the one who is in charge of our care from day one. Our results came back normal, so no known cause. I mentioned to her that I thought I had Asherman's Syndrome (when scar tissue grows within the walls of the uterus due to harm in the uterus, like a forced dilation, or a biopsy). She said it was probable, and since my babies like to stick to my uterus, its good indication that I have it, however, all it will really do is cause an Incompetent cervix and Placenta Accreta (growth in the walls and inability to detach w/o surgery). I was told that I need to be on prometrium if we get pregnant again, that I am going to get a stitch at 13 weeks, and when she removes the stitch she will also induce and have me have an epidural so that she can just go in immediately after delivery and remove the placenta and tie my tubes (which we will doing if everything goes as planned). Anyhow, we are still very much on the fence as to when we want to try again. I would like to jumpstart my cycles with the pill again, since I have such good luck getting pregnant and staying pregnant when I come off of it. Anyhow, its in the plan, just don't know when. Stay tuned.

3+ Weeks, and doing ok.

Its been 3 weeks and 3 days since Baby Alex passed away, some days are better then others, but I seems to be doing ok. I didn't want to automatically go on anti-depressants just to see if I could handle and deal with things on my own on my own terms, and some days are hard, but seriously, I don't have any more stress then I normally would. I sometimes feel like I don't get to grieve, but I do, I have had a few good cries in the night after Isaac goes to sleep. My husband has been a real rock for me over the last few weeks too, hes so great and is really the only one who can truly understand what our family is going through.
As far as TTC goes, we are really on the fence. We will go to the obgyn to get results and to see what we need to do if it happens, but as far as things go at this point in time, I am very much not ready to take that step again. I only ever wanted 3 children, and God gave me 3 children, although I only parent one, maybe that's the way it is meant to be. I feel like I have supplied heaven with a football team, and I am getting pretty sick of it. I am angry in a way, of course. I have no one to place blame on so I just sit and stew on it. I think it is totally unfair that my family was chosen to suffer such loss. I know there are people out there who have suffered worse, but right now I am very focused on me. I think it is unfair to always have my children taken away from me, and I have become very very very protective over Isaac lately. My husband, thank God, understands and thinks that it is very normal.
I feel alone a lot, my bff and I aren't getting to see each other often. She recently had her 3rd child on June 16th and her husband and I had a falling out, so we are speaking to each other on the down low. My mom isn't here either, when I feel I need her most, but such is life, she was recently laid-off from her job so she has no means to visit right now. My step mother has taken the summer off, but I really haven't taken the opportunity to see her. I think in a way, though I need to be around people, I feel better being alone, I have always been like that, as long as Chris is around once in a while for me to break down on. Isaac has been better too. He was very hard to deal with at first, he was very much grieving too, but i think since he is so young, he kind of stopped getting upset and asking where the baby was. He doesn't still ask, but doesn't get angry anymore and has returned to his fun little self. Anyhow, that's all I really have to update on right now.

One week later.....

Ugh, I am not doing well at all. It seems that all of the grief I have had from the last 7 years is coming straight at me again. I am mourning all of my losses, with Alex being the strongest. I feel like I am a giant open wound. My heart has a big piece missing from it and I feel so lonely and empty. It has been so difficult dealing with Isaac, he is grieving in his own little way and is taking it out as anger, and since he is only 2, mom is the brunt of it.
I cry non stop. I am so lonely. I miss Chris. He has to work all day, so I don't get to see him until after 6, then all we do is sit and I cry.
I have started getting angry, especially at my body. I have a lot of extra weight, and I want it all gone, get off of me, like dirt. I have barely been able to eat as it is, so I am sure it won't take much to get that all off. I am mad at my reproductiveness. I am mad that my body gave out on me, and I hate myself for it. I am probably the lowest of the low, but still, remembering that I have a family that needs me, and cares so much for me, so its not like I am going to go do something stupid. I really have a lot to live for.
The days are difficult. I close my eyes and I see my baby. I cry at everything.

I know there are brighter days ahead, this is definitely not the be all and end all, there is a whole future to look forward to. My dear son that I do have, he is growing so fast and is so smart, before I know it he will be graduating from highschool. Isaac is truly my life, he is and has been my everything.

Ok, this is just ramblings now. Basically I still feel a lot of pain, though he was only here for a short 4 months, Alex was already very much a part of me, someone who took me a long time to get used to, finally letting myself get used to the idea of being pregnant again, and that everything was going to be ok, but then I got it all swiped from under me. It hurts. A lot.

Alexander Michael, in memoriam.

In Memoriam

June 28th
I had this nagging ache, really just irritating, nothing I was to concerned about. It progressed and got worse. I put off going to the doctors. It got worse.
Around midnight we headed to the hospital emergency. Once there I noticed there was a huge group of people waiting, and figured my problem was no more then a bad bladder infection. We headed back home to see the doctor over the next few days.

June 29
I woke up, and the pain was way worse. We made it to the hospital about 11:30am, but I was not checked in until 1:30 in the afternoon. They have this "Pre-emerg" area at our hospital where they assess you before they figure out where they put you. I had a informal ultrasound and got to see my little guy suck his thumb, the baby was perfectly fine, but they wanted to check other things like a bladder infection, or cervical infection, possible appendix...

They booked me for a formal ultrasound so I got put in the "Rapid Action Zone" where they sit you in a reclining chair until a doctor sees you. I needed fluid to do the ultrasound so they started me an IV and I sat until 4pm. The ultrasound seemed to take a really long time, I was viewed, then he would go, then come back, then go. The baby looked good, measured 17 weeks. Had a heart rate of 155 beats a minute, but they spotted contractions. I had two of them while I laid there for an hour. They did check my cervix, and stated that it was about 2.4 cm long, which he said was average, and closed. They were also thinking appendix. So, this pain is getting more intense as we speak. I got back to the RAZ unit, they told me they would be doing a pelvic exam but had to wait until the privacy room ( a room with walls and a door rather then a curtain or a recliner) was cleaned, there had been another woman with pregnancy issues in that room.

About 6pm they got me into the room, and I laid down for the pelvic exam. The doctor inserted the speculum, and instantly said to the nurse in the room, "We need to get gynie down here NOW". Then he turned to me and said they yes, my cervix was opened, and there were membranes protruding from the cervix. We assume the pain was contractions in my cervix pushing on the membranes. I instantly fell apart. I assumed there was something they could do, but he noted that you really cannot push something that's outside of the body back in without risking extreme infection. The nurse said not to give up hope, that doctors work miracles now-a-days, and maybe they can do something. I asked for the on call social worked, since Chris was at home with Isaac, and I asked for spiritual council, and they both came and kept me company. I called Chris and told him to take Isaac to my dads for the night and get over here as soon as possible. The social worker was very helpful, she got me what I needed, kept me company and kept me sane. The Reverend was wonderful, we mostly just talked to each other, he also kept me calm and shared some stories and insight with me.
I had gotten up to change position and I gushed blood. Not a good sign.

So Chris came and had it explained to him what was happened. We were diagnosed with an Incompetent Cervix, where the cervix can no long hold the weight of the pregnancy, or gets an infection and causes contractions. We were told that since we were bleeding there really was no good news, and that we were in labour. I got up and went to the washroom, and as I came back to the room I had a contraction that made me scream. We got me back onto the bed, where I got really nauseous and asked Chris for the bucket, and as I gagged my water broke. There went any hope we had had at all.
They moved us to another unit in the ER, where there were more private rooms and was specific to gynecological issues. They were waiting for a bed to open in the OB unit, where I would be birthing. Around 11pm I got to the room upstairs. I was so sad, so upset. Chris by my side the whole time. I had a contraction that had the entire nursing unit at my bedside.

June 30th
They made me comfortable, told me what to expect, gave me the "Morphine button" and gravol for my nausea, as well as antibiotics. We decided that we wanted to move things along, since my contractions were useless and so far apart, so they placed an octagonal pill in my cervix and I lied still for half an hour. Then I got tight zapping pains back to back. I had got up again, to go to the washroom, layed back down and felt something there in my groin, so we called the doctor, and they agreed that it would not be long, and literally less then 20 mins it started happening. It was very difficult. I did not have an "push" in me, not strong enough contractions, so I had to do it on my own

We did it. The baby was born still, no doubt, he was only 17 weeks, at 3:45am. He was beautiful for what he was. He looked perfectly human, developed. but he was red. But he had features and he was smiling. He looked a lot like Isaac did when he was born. He also had a smile on his face. And to me, that was the most amazing thing. We named him Alexander Michael.

I bearly had time to think and I started gushing blood, it was so bad that I saw stars, hear that high pitched whine and followed the white light. Between where the bed was, to being wheeled to the door, I passed out. I woke up in the ER where they were setting me up for surgery. They calmed me down and I remember waking up in recovery and the nurses yelling at me to breath every couple of seconds. Every time I would start to fall asleep I would stop breathing.
I got back to my room and was told I would have to stay for another day since my white blood cells were sky high and I needed IV antibiotics. I was very upset.

Chris and I decided to have the baby cremated and placed in a communal garden for stillborn babies. I wanted him to be with other babies. We got to spend 12 hours with him though. We said our prayers, gave him our love and tried to let him go physically as best we could. We kissed him good by, and Chris took him out of the room to the nurse.
We got to keep a box of keepsakes, a tiny teddybear, a tiny hat, an outfit that never would have fit him. A beautiful knit blanket. A card with his footprints, a certificate of life and various odds and ends, a card, bracelets.

The experience, as I wrote it, is easy. To relive it in my mind it was to difficult. I believe that I did give birth to a baby, as young as he was, he had everything he needed, they just weren't as developed as it needed to be. He is a son, I birthed him. He is Isaac's brother. I do love him, and I loved seeing him, and being with him. It is still very surreal, and I have yet to experience it completely. I still have a ton of grieving to do. I appreciate the experience, but sure do wish I could have my full term baby in my arms at home with me.

God Speed baby Alex. Carry on my wayward son.