10 years, pregnancy depression and grief.

10 Years ago, February 7th, after 36 hours of irregular contractions, slow progress and 7 hours of pushing; I welcomed my first born child into this world. He was 7lbs and 12oz, he was long, had giant hands, a beautiful smile, blue eyes and blonde hair. He was the product of two people, who when he was conceived, loved eachother very much, but grew apart and lived seperate lives. His mother was a 17 year old highschool drop out who was not ready to let go of her daddy and become a mother on her own. She made mistakes and took highschool love for granted. She made the hardest decision in her life to give this child everything she could not give him. If you could raise a baby on love, we would have been set. I had so much love for him. I placed him for open adoption. I named him, Michael Brennen, I recieved documents with his name on them, I kept his bracelets, blankets....but this loss of a child, though I took it all home in a box, I was able to see whenever I please. I didn't. I completely disassosiated myself from him, afraid of interfearing. I did go to his christening, I hosted to a presentation at my old highschool about adoption with him and his adopted mom, since it was so taboo there. He was only a few weeks old, maybe 4 months at the most. Then I didn't see him until his 1st birthday....Then not again until he was 5. Not that I didn't keep in touch. But as I said, I was afraid of interfearing.
For some reason I find this incredibly bittersweet. It was as if my adult life started me out for loss. This loss is not one I have ever gotten over though. It still hurts, but its a different hurt, the pain isnt sharp anymore, its a dull ache in my heart that only apprears sometimes.... But it does mark an entire decade of trying to become a mother....I have more or less been pregnant for 10 years. We have a good relationship now, especially since having Isaac, they share an awesome bond.
On the topic of loss. I am hurting more and more each day. I feel selfish for grieving over Alexander. That I am not allowed to for some reason. But, I have reached that point of inability to hold it in anymore. I cry, and I am angry and I hate it. My eyes are never dry, and my heart aches all the time. My husband doesn't get it. It sucks to feel this way all the time.