The Ultrasound Tech was Wrong!

We went for our Fetal Echo today, to find out that our little princess does in fact has 3 vessels and 2 arteries in her umbilical cord. I can not tell you how relieved I am, and that she is perfect and healthy and growing well. She is measuring a week behind, but she is still within range, no lower then 21w4d. The technician I had today was a seasoned tech, she knew exactly what she was looking for. We also confirmed that she is a lady. Although they didnt let me keep the picture of her showing them off. I think its for legal reasons? But she has the 3 lines and no penis, so yeah. Happy happy happy Now we really have nothing to worry about, thank the Lord.
A good friend of mine offered to throw my baby shower, so excited to plan that. We are getting together this week to start planning. Not intending to have it until the end of April.
Isaac has learned to dress himself. I went to get his the other morning from his room and he was fully dressed and stated proudly to me "Look! I'm Handsome!" You sure are buddy. I love my little family.

The Hormonal Fog is Clearing

Wow, I was in a pretty dark place the other day. I had a bad 3-4 days there, just feeling like my world was crashing down on me. Luckily I was able to vent to a friend and get it all off my chest, and I have felt so much better since. Hubby and I had a good chat and spent some alone time together too last night. I have just had so much on my plate without the ability of taking a break and it was just piling on top of me.
Today was a good day, Isaac and I went down to our lower lever (we have a 4 level split) and helped me put the nursery together. He helped take packaging off bottles and such, we organized the shelf in the babies room, and we cleared the clutter out. He was such a big help. 3 is such a good age. It was a nice break from sitting on the couch sucked into the computer or TV for the time we were down there. We then played with some toys and I watched him ride his bike in circles in the basement. When I feel the nursery is almost complete, or when hubs finally brings the crib over from his parents basement and we set it up, then I will take pictures and post them of the nursery. Have my fetal echo ultrasound on the 13th, so I will update then. ttfn :D

10 years, pregnancy depression and grief.

10 Years ago, February 7th, after 36 hours of irregular contractions, slow progress and 7 hours of pushing; I welcomed my first born child into this world. He was 7lbs and 12oz, he was long, had giant hands, a beautiful smile, blue eyes and blonde hair. He was the product of two people, who when he was conceived, loved eachother very much, but grew apart and lived seperate lives. His mother was a 17 year old highschool drop out who was not ready to let go of her daddy and become a mother on her own. She made mistakes and took highschool love for granted. She made the hardest decision in her life to give this child everything she could not give him. If you could raise a baby on love, we would have been set. I had so much love for him. I placed him for open adoption. I named him, Michael Brennen, I recieved documents with his name on them, I kept his bracelets, blankets....but this loss of a child, though I took it all home in a box, I was able to see whenever I please. I didn't. I completely disassosiated myself from him, afraid of interfearing. I did go to his christening, I hosted to a presentation at my old highschool about adoption with him and his adopted mom, since it was so taboo there. He was only a few weeks old, maybe 4 months at the most. Then I didn't see him until his 1st birthday....Then not again until he was 5. Not that I didn't keep in touch. But as I said, I was afraid of interfearing.
For some reason I find this incredibly bittersweet. It was as if my adult life started me out for loss. This loss is not one I have ever gotten over though. It still hurts, but its a different hurt, the pain isnt sharp anymore, its a dull ache in my heart that only apprears sometimes.... But it does mark an entire decade of trying to become a mother....I have more or less been pregnant for 10 years. We have a good relationship now, especially since having Isaac, they share an awesome bond.
On the topic of loss. I am hurting more and more each day. I feel selfish for grieving over Alexander. That I am not allowed to for some reason. But, I have reached that point of inability to hold it in anymore. I cry, and I am angry and I hate it. My eyes are never dry, and my heart aches all the time. My husband doesn't get it. It sucks to feel this way all the time.

Is this Fear?

I have been having a lot of overwhelming feelings lately. I don't know why. It could be hormones I suppose. I was told many years ago that it was likely I couldn't carry girls, but then again, I was also told that I would never have a baby, and Isaac is proof that I obviously can. Everything almost seems to good to be true. I still have so much time left, but considering how quickly the first half of this pregnancy went, I am sure that the second half will go just as quickly. I notice that since I take things day by day that it goes by a lot quicker. I don't panic about ultrasound until 3 or so days before, where as before I would obsess about them. I am scared, genuinely, and I guess I have every right to be. The baby is very posterior, although I have an Anterior placenta, the baby likes to hang out in the back, which means now that she is bigger, she likes to hide, and I can't feel her, so nearly daily I go through this obsessive, "OMG she hasn't moved, she must be dead" Which I know is not true, she's fine, I just can't help it.
My fetal echo-cardiogram has been scheduled for February 13th, again a Monday, I will be 22 weeks and 3 days along. I am a little nervous about it. The lady who called me about it told me it will take about and hour and a half, which makes me a little nervous, last time I had an ultrasound I started getting really bad pains in my back and ribs from laying there for so long. There is also the fear that they may find something wrong, which will just break me down, I know its a possibility, but it hurts to think that we have gotten this far, and that I finally get my girl, that what if?! Push it back, push it back.... Ugh.
I think being pregnant has also put my grieving for Alexander on the back burner. I remember when Isaac was born, the first 3 months of his life I grieved for all of my losses prior to him, I cried knowing that I would never know what they looked like, or who they would be. Isaac was so perfect in my eyes that it made it so hard to not imagine. And I am going through that again with Alex, but not letting myself get to upset about it because I know the stress is no-good for the baby. It will suck, and I will probably had PPD because of it, not only because I will grieve but that it will also be close to a year ago that it happened.
Anyhow, just getting what I needed too off my chest.

Playing for team...PINK!!!

We had our anatomy scan today, 18 weeks and 3 days along. I asked the ultrasound technician to let us know whenever she got there. She did it so non shelontly, I had no idea what I was looking at, and shes says "My guess is a girl". I said, you guess?? Because of lack of boy parts? And she said "Nope, I actually see girl parts". I melted. I am still in shock. A girl?! I have never had a girl before! What am I going to do?! Lol.

As for the other parts of the scan, we also found out that the baby, who should normally have a 3 vessel cord, has a 3 vessel cord, but only 2 are working. They saw a single umbilical artery. This means that we may face some problems later, but then again, we may no. Everything else appreared normal, and thats a good thing. I am being refered for a fetal echocardiography in the near future, and will be getting at least 2 more detailed scans at later dates to be sure that the cord is functioning normally and that the baby remains healthy. For now, I am just going to take it as it comes, I am not concerned yet, not until I have to be, and I am trying my best not to google it so I don't freak out about it.

My cervix today measured 4.3cm. Excellent.

Anyhow, thats all the update I have for now. Baby looks like Chris, lol.

Good News

I had my OB follow up today. Everything is great, I have gone 4 days without a contraction or a fever. I still have pain but the doctor said it is likely just an irritated uterus, since nothing has happened because of it. The baby had an awesome heartbeat and the doctor thinks we are making great progress and doing everything we humanly can to be sure this continues. Although she did say it isn't time to brag yet, that we have to make it past the last hurdle (17 weeks). I felt content that she didn't seem concerned with anything, she told me that a lot of the issues I am having are normal for what I have been through. I have not gained any weight, and lost 1 lbs, which is ok. My BP is the lowest it has ever been since seeing her, which I find interesting, as if stress makes my bp go down. I also listed a few concerns about swelling and bp issues to her and she said that I will be seeing her so often that anything that comes up we will be able to deal with. Shes right about that, I am seeing her every 2 weeks this month, the 4th for follow-up and the 18th for ultrasound results. I have my gender scan/Anatomy scan at 18 weeks 3 days, January 16th. Both Chris and I are really excited about it, we are torn with both, yet could care less what it is. We want a girl for the natural reasons of having a boy and a girl, and for the fact that the infertility clinic back in 2007 told me it wasn't likely I could carry girls (they also said I would never carry a baby to term and Isaac is living proof of the opposite). And we want a boy because we have everything for a boy already and recently had a nephew, but at the same time, I have a good friend having a baby girl in January, so it works out either way. I am just truly happy to make it either way so I honestly have no preference.

Christmas was good, Isaac was spoiled, we spent the day at my dads with my brother and his wife and my step-moms brother and wife, it was nice to have adult conversation.

Thats it for now, I may update before then, but will likely not update until January 16th.

So scared

Last night I got out of the hospital after a 36 hour stay. The entire situation was horrible, especially feeling like I was reliving this all over again.
I all started with a pain on my right side, right where the baby like to hang out, I thought the baby may have been in a bad place. I moved my tummy, changed positions, drank a whole bunch of water. The pain wouldn't move. Then I started to get pressure in my stomach. I thought I would wait it out, try and go to the washroom, have a little sleep. I woke up at 5am freaking out, it was starting to get worse. But again, I waited it out. Sat up in the bed. By 7:30am I had go through so many scenarios in my head I had to wake Chris up and we had to go to the hospital, even if it was just to ease my mind.
We got to the hospital about 10 mins later. It was so dead there, I had never seen it like that, we only waited 45 mins before I was in, and I saw a doctor right away, which is very rare. I explained my history to the doctor and he was very concerned, they checked my bp, it was 163/97. I had an informal ultrasound but they couldn't see my cervix, which was the doctors main concern. Then I had a pelvic exam which showed the cerclage in a good place, holding, looking sturdy and doing its job. The nurses gave me some Tylenol 3`s and I waited for an ultrasound, which luckily only took 4 hours. The technician was very nice, very thorough and good. My cervix had lengthened to 3cm, which is a good pregnancy length, the baby was fantastic and healthy, there was no inflammation, the only indication that there was an issue, was fluid at the tip of my cervix, which can cause pain or irritation causing contractions. The doctor was still worried and consulted with the Obstetrician on-call, who happened to be my old OB who delivered Isaac. He was concerned too, he was talking cervical amputation cause by the contractions, blah blah blah, then he said they were going to admit me to observe me for 24 hours.
We concluded that the pains were minor contractions caused by irritation to the uterus, big oh no, especially since it was only a week after my cerclage placement. If my uterus was infected they would have to take the cerclage out, and abort the baby...
Then I spiked a fever.... Flashing before my eyes, rerunning this past June over and over again.
They got me to the room in the post surgical ward, which is where I was with Alexander too, 4 rooms down from where I gave birth. I had a roomie, which I had never had before, she was really awesome, an old (not really) pro at being in the hospital.
They started me on Erythromycin.....which 10 mins later I blew my IV and broke into hives all up and down my arm. I had to have benadryl, lol. I am already allergic to 2 families of anti-biotic, and now a third. However they started me on Clindamyacin, and it seemed to be ok and not give me hives. I blew my IV ten times while I was there.
They also gave me an anti-inflammatory and an anti-contraction meds. 18 hours later the contractions stopped. Second ultrasound showed everything was still ok. But I spiked a fever at 3am... More meds and some more observation. But after 14 hours of no more fevers, clean white cell count and no contractions, I was finally sent home so I could spend Christmas with my family. I was given strict rules to rest, to check for fever every 4 hours and if I had the slightest inclination of being Ill, or my contractions come back, or if I bled, I had to come in ASAP. We aren't out of the woods yet, we are still waiting and seeing if I get better or worse, so far so good though. My follow-up is with Dr.I on the 28th. Pray for us, and wish us luck.