heres a little bit more about me.
I get a lot of flack about this, and sometimes it bothers me, but to get it out there might make someone understand something that I don't see that they arent getting...haha long run on sentence.
I have a child, I know his name, I know where he is, I know how tall he is, that he is smart, growing well...etc. "Then where is he?" Well, I placed him for open adoption.
You can think about me however you want, but remember that it was my decision, and in the end, I know it was the right one.
Nick is 5 now....Wow, that is so hard to believe that so many years have passed since that day, that i still remember as well as yesterday. When he was born, he was so perfect, 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes, perfect apgar score, a little bit of a crowned head..lol. He was 7 lbs 14 oz, and born at 12:02 in the morning on February 7, 2002. I had so many visitors, people who were weary of visting me, not knowing whether I was going to crack and throw them all out. I really enjoyed my experience. I had a God aweful pregnancy, and at 17, you have no idea what to expect. I had decided on adoption when i was 5 months pregnant. Why? There are so many reasons why. My age, that was a big issue, my life style, not that i did drugs or anything, but I wasnt done yet. My boyfriend and I had recently broken up, and he had already made plans with his life that i didnt want to interfear with, but i did tell him my choice, and he agreed with me. I was also on birthcontrol, but apparently you can become more fertile on birthcontrol when you are lacking the hormones anyway...(if only i knew then what i know now).
My father was a big influence in my adoption, but i was the one who said the final say, but he had sat me down and made me realise what i may be getting myself into. I was scared, as any pregnant teen was. I have no regrets about this, I know where he is, what hes doing, his health, his lifestyle, and i tell you what, I am so proud of that boy, how smart he is...just amazes me.
The only thing i wish is that i was more involved in his life, but that is my decisison, and with all the defficulty with trying to concieve, I really hold a strong part of my heart for him, but it is difficult.
A lot of people ask me "Since you are having such a problem with infertility, why did you give him up?" Remember though, 5 years have passed, I am married now, have a life with my husband, who want to be a father as bad as i want to be a mother, it has to do with timing, and the obvious fact, that i didnt know that i would never have another baby at the time. Sometimes, i wonder if i am being punished or tested, but really, i just think its all about timing.. Again, i will never give up trying to have another child, but at the same time, i don't regret any life choices I have or had made.
Tuesday 10 July 2007
A bit about me before we get started.
I decided to start a blog because I am full of a lot of emotion that needs to get out. I honestly don't care who reads it as long as they know what they are getting themselves into. I can be quite the emotional wreck sometimes. I wanted to start this because I have been dealing with infertility, and it can be quite the journey. Full of love, hate, frustration, you name the emotion, I've felt it.
This is me, and this is what I have been going through.
My name is Sheena, I am married to Chris, and have been for 2 years now. Our hectic journey of trying to concieve started in August 2004, when i discovered that I was pregnant. At this time, Chris and I had just broken up, because i had found out that he had cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship. I hadn't moved out yet, but was in the process of making arrangments before i found out. The situation wasn't good to start out with, my dear female roomate was presuing my boyfriend at the time, and that just made it a battle. She was pissed right off that I had gotten pregnant, and tried to convince my boyfriend that i was trying to get pregnant because i was taking my temprature all the time. I laughed this off, we werent not trying to get pregnant, plus i didnt even know what temp charting was in the beginning. I think I was stressed like mad due to this girl, and I made Chris realize what this girl was doing. After her continuous threats about me to our friends we kicked her out. Later that week I had and ultrasound done, and they found 2 little tiny sacs in my uterus. One was a little off centered though, and they started to have concern. In the mean time, I am panicking because no one is telling me anything.
Apparently I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was devistated. I had no idea what that meant. It meant that they baby was growing just outside of my filopian tube, and that I had to get it removed before it ruptured. So, they treated me with some medication, and i had miscarried both angels by my 9th and a half week. And to boot, i needed a D & C.
I was unable to come to terms with it. I had no idea what had just happened to me. I figured I was cursed or something, that I did something wrong.
About a year later, I got pregnant again. by this time, Chris and I were married, and i thought that it was cute that i had gotten pregnant within the first 3 month of us being married. We told everyone we knew, we were so excited. On faithful day at the end of august, I got stung by a wasp that flew through the truck window. I am deathly allergic to just about anything with a stinger, and I panicked, I had the worst panic attack i had ever had in my life. I had made it to the hospital in under 30 minuites, but I had to get the epinephrin injection and a benadryl drip. The doctor told me that i could likely lose the baby. I miscarried within days, at about 7 weeks into the pregnancy. Again, devistated.
About 6 months later, i believe it was february, I had found out that I was pregnant, but there were a few wonders about it, I had been quite nervous about being pregnant again, so I just let time pass, until i started bleeding yet again, and yet again, this time in the hospital, I miscarried.
April, missed my period, then spotted for 3 days, had a blood test comeback that I had pregnancy hormone, but it was to low for it to be viable. Then I blead heavy for 2 days. By this time, I know that there is something wrong with me. I missed my period, and had pregnancy tests done, but wasnt pregnant. It seemed that my doctor didnt care, he told me that lots of people miss their periods, but I wasnt convinced at all. I switched Doctors, and seeked a second opinion. I was sent for blood work and an ultrasound, and found out that i had Polycystic Ovarian disease(August 2006). I was put on metformin for insulin resistance, and the very next day i got my period
By septemeber my period was late, so I did a pregnancy test, and it was positive, I had all the symptoms of a pregnancy, yet again, started bleeding a week later.
By this time, I knew something was up and was refered to a gynocologist, who said he wouldnt treat me, that I had to be refered to the reccurent loss clinic. So, finally in january I had an appointment. By this time, I am kind of used to the shock of a miscarriage, i know what to expect, what to do... Before I was fianlly put of Clomid (fertility drug to induce ovulation) I had had 2 more "chemical pregnancys" And finally, after 2 months of clomid I finally got pregnant that wasnt a chemical pregnancy. At first everything seemed to be going well, I had symptoms, a little bit of spotting, but my hormone numbers were only increasing at a rate of 72 hours, and I was a bit stressed about that. I had spotting on June 22, and went to see the doctor, who got me to do more blood work, and as ultrasound. The ultrasound technician said that she didnt see anything, so i got scared again, and finally the doctor confirmed my fears, my hormone dropped significantly, and again I miscarried.
So that leaves me here. To the point of having no idea what to do next. As i have suffered so much loss, its sad to say that I am used to it by now, but I won't give up hope, not yet, I am still young, and maybe the the 10th time will be the charm... Until next time.
However, I am sure i will be here to rant more before I even get to that point hahaha.
Don't be discouraged by this post, cause Im not.
Sheena
This is me, and this is what I have been going through.
My name is Sheena, I am married to Chris, and have been for 2 years now. Our hectic journey of trying to concieve started in August 2004, when i discovered that I was pregnant. At this time, Chris and I had just broken up, because i had found out that he had cheated on me at the beginning of our relationship. I hadn't moved out yet, but was in the process of making arrangments before i found out. The situation wasn't good to start out with, my dear female roomate was presuing my boyfriend at the time, and that just made it a battle. She was pissed right off that I had gotten pregnant, and tried to convince my boyfriend that i was trying to get pregnant because i was taking my temprature all the time. I laughed this off, we werent not trying to get pregnant, plus i didnt even know what temp charting was in the beginning. I think I was stressed like mad due to this girl, and I made Chris realize what this girl was doing. After her continuous threats about me to our friends we kicked her out. Later that week I had and ultrasound done, and they found 2 little tiny sacs in my uterus. One was a little off centered though, and they started to have concern. In the mean time, I am panicking because no one is telling me anything.
Apparently I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was devistated. I had no idea what that meant. It meant that they baby was growing just outside of my filopian tube, and that I had to get it removed before it ruptured. So, they treated me with some medication, and i had miscarried both angels by my 9th and a half week. And to boot, i needed a D & C.
I was unable to come to terms with it. I had no idea what had just happened to me. I figured I was cursed or something, that I did something wrong.
About a year later, I got pregnant again. by this time, Chris and I were married, and i thought that it was cute that i had gotten pregnant within the first 3 month of us being married. We told everyone we knew, we were so excited. On faithful day at the end of august, I got stung by a wasp that flew through the truck window. I am deathly allergic to just about anything with a stinger, and I panicked, I had the worst panic attack i had ever had in my life. I had made it to the hospital in under 30 minuites, but I had to get the epinephrin injection and a benadryl drip. The doctor told me that i could likely lose the baby. I miscarried within days, at about 7 weeks into the pregnancy. Again, devistated.
About 6 months later, i believe it was february, I had found out that I was pregnant, but there were a few wonders about it, I had been quite nervous about being pregnant again, so I just let time pass, until i started bleeding yet again, and yet again, this time in the hospital, I miscarried.
April, missed my period, then spotted for 3 days, had a blood test comeback that I had pregnancy hormone, but it was to low for it to be viable. Then I blead heavy for 2 days. By this time, I know that there is something wrong with me. I missed my period, and had pregnancy tests done, but wasnt pregnant. It seemed that my doctor didnt care, he told me that lots of people miss their periods, but I wasnt convinced at all. I switched Doctors, and seeked a second opinion. I was sent for blood work and an ultrasound, and found out that i had Polycystic Ovarian disease(August 2006). I was put on metformin for insulin resistance, and the very next day i got my period
By septemeber my period was late, so I did a pregnancy test, and it was positive, I had all the symptoms of a pregnancy, yet again, started bleeding a week later.
By this time, I knew something was up and was refered to a gynocologist, who said he wouldnt treat me, that I had to be refered to the reccurent loss clinic. So, finally in january I had an appointment. By this time, I am kind of used to the shock of a miscarriage, i know what to expect, what to do... Before I was fianlly put of Clomid (fertility drug to induce ovulation) I had had 2 more "chemical pregnancys" And finally, after 2 months of clomid I finally got pregnant that wasnt a chemical pregnancy. At first everything seemed to be going well, I had symptoms, a little bit of spotting, but my hormone numbers were only increasing at a rate of 72 hours, and I was a bit stressed about that. I had spotting on June 22, and went to see the doctor, who got me to do more blood work, and as ultrasound. The ultrasound technician said that she didnt see anything, so i got scared again, and finally the doctor confirmed my fears, my hormone dropped significantly, and again I miscarried.
So that leaves me here. To the point of having no idea what to do next. As i have suffered so much loss, its sad to say that I am used to it by now, but I won't give up hope, not yet, I am still young, and maybe the the 10th time will be the charm... Until next time.
However, I am sure i will be here to rant more before I even get to that point hahaha.
Don't be discouraged by this post, cause Im not.
Sheena
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