2012 Comes to an End.

What a year we have had! Kayla is now 8 months old, and Isaac is one month into being 4 years old. This year has been so pack full of ups and downs, I am so excited to burst into 2013.
Kayla has reached many milestone in December, she is crawling, eating solids 3 times a day, doing baby sit-ups teaching herself to sit up on her own. She has said mum, dada, Aaay (I think its Isaac), hi, okay, yay. She plays with her musical toys, reaches up to things like she is trying to stand. She is just amazing us! She has also grown out of most of her 3-6 month clothes and is fitting into the smaller of her 6 month clothes. We are still working on a sleep schedule, but I really don't see a full nights sleep in the foreseeable future.
Isaac is starting to recognize letters. We were at Co-op the other day and he spelled it out and told me we were at co-op, he can also write I, S, A, H, W and the number 3. We are getting him slowly ready for kindergarten, which is probably going to happen this coming September, if he is ready.
The year brought us so many challenges.
> Bedrest
> Isaac's night terrors
> Pregnancy related infections an illnesses
> Pprom and preterm labour
> Infant illness
> 7 weeks stay in the NICU
> Kayla's Heart Murmur
> Car accident
> Job loss

But, we are coming into 2013 with a positive prospective and a happy healthy family. Its been a tough one, but we have had tougher, and we can only go up from here.

To healthy, love and happiness in 2013!

Kayla is 7 months old and Isaac turns 4.

Kayla has turned 7 months old! How crazy is it that over half a year has passed so quickly! I forget that she is so old because she is so tiny still. Last weigh in i think she was 12 lbs, or 13 lbs. She is getting bigger every day, growing quickly out of her size 3 month things, still in 3-6 month though. She is eating all kinds of things, but she isn't too keen on sweet things, she closes her mouth tight to thinks like pares and apples. She likes cereal and squash and potatoes. Her feet are finally big enough to fit in her Robeez and they look so cute on her, she has an a vast shoe collection and just scored some new sketchers from her Auntie Lu. She loves to play in the exersaucer, her feet touch the ground on the lowest setting and she loves that she can bounce and play. She has reached almost all of the 6 month old milestones, the only thing she doesn't do is repeat sounds and she doesn't have the dexterity to sit up alone, but shes getting there. She can rolls all over the floor and she can get her butt up in crawl mode, but she just does her own thing.No teeth yet, but the irritable baby has started. Her favorite game right now is throwing her soother and making you pick it up. Growing and learning every day.

Isaac has a birthday on the 25th, he turned 4. He amazes me every day, just over the last few months he has mentally grown so much. He understands so much more, and he has learned manners and respect. He is potty trained now. He is getting prepared for preschool in the next few months. He had a tooth pulled and he was such a brave little boy for the dentist. And he healed up really quickly.

As for us. We got into a car accident in October and Chris got laid off due to the medication he is taking, but we are some how getting by. Not really supposed to talk about it all that much. Seeing the chiro every few days and getting it slowly dealt with. Its been nice having Chris home, but hard on me, as I don`t get to experience being alone with the kids as I normally would be, and I have become fairly dependent on having him home helping out. Whatever. Working it out.

6 months old

I seriously can not believe that Kayla is already 6 months old. This has been the most chaotic year, will past 18 months, of my entire life. I am so grateful to have Kayla in my life, in our family. She brings me so much joy and happiness.

She is doing so well, she is healthy, happy, growing. She is approximately 12-13lbs now, I will know for sure Nov 7th. She loves being on her belly, its her favorite place to play. She loves her brother, every morning they have a good 20 min chat together after we wake up and before I bring them downstairs. She is attempting to army crawl. She is grabbing for things, like her fishes on her mobile, her soother in her mouth, blankets. She is very interested in food, she has tried some adult foods like chili broth, tomato soup, baby cereal, iced tea drips. She loves it. She is officially in size 2 diapers even though she could fit in a 1 if she needed too, and she is also now in 3-6m clothes.

It has snowed here, so the season has changed. We are prepping for my dads wedding, Isaac's forth birthday, Christmas. It has been very busy around here. We also were recently in a car accident and got hurt pretty good. Both hubby and I got whiplash and Isaac got a low back strain. Kayla is perfect though, she was snug as a bug in her cushy rear facing infant seat. We are working through the pain every day and hopefully it won't be long before we are back to 100%.

anyhow. If i think of anything else I will edit this post, but so far that is all I can think of.

Worldwide Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

October is Worldwide Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This is the month that we tell our stories, remember our babies, and break the silence.

I have a lot of words that I want to get on to "paper" but my brain just jumbles it all up. I am sad, I am having a very hard time in my grief of Alexander. In 5 days it will be the 1 year anniversary of his memorial service, which is the day I said good bye. This month has been harder on me than his actual angelversary was. I have been very moody, short with the kids, irritable, depressed, and have really had nothing good to say for a while. I usually repress things for a long time and either forget about them or don't think about them ever again. However, I think this is something a little bigger and I may have to deal with it sooner rather then later.

I really thought that I had said good bye, thinking that I could just let go of it, and my entire pregnancy with Kayla I did pretty well, but I watched a show on the weekend, called Long Island Medium, where the medium was telling everyone messages of their loved ones. One lady in particular, she had lost her child in the 5th month of her pregnancy, and this child acknowledged her via the medium, the child "said" he know who she was, that he is there with her and that he saw her say good bye. I need that. I need the validation that Alexander was "there", that his smile was a smile and not an illusion. That, though I could not physically hold him, that having him near me, praying and talking to him, that he heard me and that he took that with him. I have been such an emotional mess since I watched that episode. Then it makes me think of all my other miscarriages, do I really have that many tiny angels growing in heaven? I have my own sports team up there. I always pushed the miscarried babies to the back of my mind, yeah, I had 10, or more early miscarriages in my first trimester, I saw ultrasounds with embryos, some with heartbeats, some that never developed that far, some that developed farther but stopped somewhere a long the way. And it never really effected me until Alexander died, Alexander lived until he took his first breath without lungs.

A loss of a still child, I really cannot compare it to any other emotion I have ever had in my entire life. I have never lost anyone so close to me. I do realize that Alex never breathed a full breath, that he didn't leave an imprint in the social world, that he more or less only exists in me and Chris heart and mind, but he made a huge impact on me, he was my son, Isaac's little sibling that he prayed so hard for. I am so blessed to have been able to give him Kayla after all of this, especially since my uterus was basically destroyed by Alex's pregnancy, but, she is not a replacement. I did not carry her to replace Alex, she came out of pure love and want for another physical child. Alex was his own person, a little life, and he died.

Sorry for rambling, but I really think this is part of the healing process. I need to get this off my chest, regardless of who reads it or not.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month. Let's take some time to remember the babies who were born asleep, whom we carried but never met, those we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home, but could not stay. Baby loss is still a taboo subject. I am breaking my silence. In memory of Baby Alexander and my many unnamed angels that sit upon his shoulders.

October 15th, World Wide Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Sheena D.

5 months 3 days = 3 months 2 weeks adjusted

I have a hard time believing that 5 months have passed. It certainly does not seem like that much time has gone by. Kayla being so tiny I am sure has a lot to do with it. Its been interesting, hard and easy.

She is reaching awesome milestone, even just over the past week. She has discovered that she has individual fingers instead of just fists. She has attempted to put her soother back in her mouth, since it always falls out, haha. She can grasp toys, randomly point and just today started holding her bottle on her own. She is up to 6 ounces a feed 5 times a day now, weighs 11 lbs 2 oz and is just growing into her 3 month/3-6 month clothes. She also just grew into her first pair of shoes.
She has been pretty sick the last while, she has this nasty upper respiratory illness that luckily has stayed viral, but its been really trying on her breathing. We have also tried and failed solids, not ready yet.

Isaac is finally potty trained. I could jump for joy on that one. He has just been so difficult in the past. A week or so ago he squatted down and peed on the floor right in front of his dad, and that was it. Pull up were taken away (for day time) and we put the potty right in the hallway by the kitchen, and he is using it exclusively during the day.

I am adjusting pretty well to having two kids around. It has not been easy, buy any means. Isaac is very independant, so I was used to having a lot of me time, and being on bedrest my whole pregnancy, I had Hubby home a lot taking care of Isaac. Its going well though. Now, if only I could find time to clean the house...

Anyhow, thats the monthly update.

4 months old = 2 months, 1 week, 4 days old

10lbs
23 inches long
Moved from 10th percentile to 25th.

I cannot believe 4 months has passed by so quickly! The days are just flying by.
Kayla has grown out of New born clothing and is now in 0-3. She is in size 1 diapers still.

we had a wonderful 3 week bout of colic, which was actually an allergy to milk. we switched her from Similac sensitive to Similac advance and my goodness, baaaad gas, bad smells and chronic diarrhea, but i never put two and two together until a friend mentioned it, we switched her back and I found my happy baby again.

She was having a hard time sleeping so we invested in a sleep sheep. I figure that since they used a sound machine while she was in the NICU, that it might help, and low and behold we now have a baby who will sleep 5 hours straight. She is still getting up in the middle of the night, but luckily Isaac is sleeping in until 9am, so I can still catch a few hours until the house is up.

Hubby went back to work two weeks ago. It was so difficult the first week, since I just could not put Kayla down without screaming, but the second week wasn't so bad, she is getting used to being put down now, and since she is awake longer now, i can lay her down and let her play under her little mat.

I have noticed i have had to adjust things for her. Her jumperoo, i have to put a yellow pages under her so she can bounce. All of her play gym toys needed an extra link to be down farther so she could pull on them. Teethers, to big for her mouth, so i got her some textured links to chew on. She loves to play now, and make noise. She still grunts and gurgles but there is a oooh and aaaw in there now too.

She has started to teethe, had discovered her hands and feet, collects toe jam daily, grows her nails like weeds, smiles uncontrollably, likes to stand, likes to listen to music....Its like she grew into this incredible human being overnight.

medically, she is still anemic, which is tied into the whole liver mass issue, but shes healthy.

http://www.sleepsheepandfriends.com/sheep.html
http://similac.ca/en/
http://www.fisher-price.com/en_US/brands/babygear/products/52522

3 Months old = 1 month 1 weeks adjusted.

The last few days have just been amazing as far as development go. It is almost as if Kay just "woke up" from teeny tiny baby to 3 month old. She smiles, giggles, coos, babbles, swings he arms with purpose. Has wake and sleep and play patterns instead of wake and sleep. She focuses and concentrates now. It is so amazing. Before, she was such a bump on a log.
She is growing really well, she is 9lbs now, 21 inches long, and eating about 800 mls a day from 550. He favorite things are her nu-nu blankey and her hospital soother, but shes becoming quite attached to her flower mirror from her tummy mat.
Isaac is doing ok, he has become Satan reincarnate, but he is using his manners and apologizing a lot more. We have been trying different discipline techniques with him and they seem to be working. He just seems to have a lot of pent up frustration and anger and energy that comes from nowhere and everywhere at the same time. He is sooo hyper all the time that with advice from the doc, we started having to give him melatonin to sleep. And it works pretty great, feels much better then having to drug him with gravol just to get 3 hours of quiet a night. Anyhow, thats our life right now.

Oh How We Grow

11 weeks old

I don't know how much she weighs now, but Kayla has grown so much. I don't really notice it being with her every day, but my sister-in-law mentioned that she is huge from the last time they saw her, which is about 2 weeks ago.
Kayla is becoming a chubby monkey. She is healthy now from that cold she had but still seems congested every once in a while. She isn't eating more or more often, but shes still growing. I would estimate her to be about 9lbs. We switched her to size 1 diapers today, just because we were out of newborns and have hundreds of size ones. Not much else going on here. Its been hot, the heat tends to boil the brain and make you stupid, so I have forgotten everything I was going to post about.

2 days old

Snorking the Snot Baby

I have had two very cranky kids with nasty summer colds. Isaac got it first, he had the sore throat, nasty cough and snot like you would not believe. He is pretty easy to del with, being 3, and asthmatic, we have dealt with a lot of bad summer colds. Kayla got sick about 3 days after, which was also the day of her 2 month shots, so really, we are unsure if she had vaccine side effects or if she is sick. She isn't eating more then 20-30 mls a feed, but is eating about every hours right now, she keeps falling asleep or just stops because she can't breath. I squirt the saline up her nose and "snork" the snot out with the bulb, then she eats a bit more and passes out. Other then that, she isnt really lethargic or anything, and the pediatrician is pretty happy with her. She gained 300 grams in 2 weeks, she is now 7lbs 7oz and growing out her tiny newborn/preemie clothes, which is awesome. Recently she has started to stay awake more and just calmly stare around. She sleeps well and can fall asleep on her own. She is a very easy going baby. And, her hair is growing back from her little nicu shave.
I still have baby brain, very busy and very tired, so everything that comes out of my finger tips, I am pretty lucky it makes any sense at all. That is our update, hopefully I will have more to say soon.

Kayla Finally Comes Home

Whoa, it has been quite a long stint of stress, happiness, and questions. Kayla was released from the hospital today after her Neonatologist fought tooth and nail to get her released. The doctors at the Cdc were convinced that her cyst was an abscess and wanted to keep her on antibiotics, but our Neo thinks that since she started getting better so quickly, that there was not infection in the first place and that he was going to continue with the plan we already had, so honestly, I had no idea if she was really going to come home today or not. I had a terrible sleep last night, I was very edgy and had a bad stomach ache from all of the stress I was feeling, but things seemed to go quickly at the hospital and the doctor had everything done by 3pm, so she was released at 3:38pm. We actually didn't leave until about 4:30pm because the nurses wanted to say their good byes and hug and hold her with no IV line in, and her and I also took a little walk around the unit to say good bye. We got pictures done by the staff of all of us together, then we finally left. She seems to be eating every 3 hours, if not a little earlier, you can tell she knows it is different then the hospital. She discovered the TV, and stared intently at it for a good minute, it was cute. Isaac has been begging for attention, which is fine, and trying to help so much. He helped change a diaper, feed, pacify and every time she peeped, he would go check on her and say "Its ok mommy, its ok, shes fine" hehe. Tomorrow is a day for us, for us to stay home and enjoy her. We are attempting to get used to her schedule, and are sleeping in the livingroom tonight so we are close to the kitchen and can still deal with Isaac if need be. (we did the same thing with Isaac his first night home). So far so good. I am so glad to have her home, over the moon.
~ Tomorrow is her due date :D.

NICU week 6- 1 week to go!

Kayla is doing awesome. Her abscess keeps shrinking, and her liver enzymes are getting lower. She is growing (6lbs now!) and eating a ton. She is on lactose free formula right now, she had a monster butt rash from her antibiotics and the milk which caused the rash not to heal, as soon as they put her on the lactose free, it got better within 24hours. She is awake more now and asleep more now too. I missed a lot of last week due to a sinus infection that just bowled me over. As soon as I got on antibiotics, i started to feel way better. It was heartbreaking not getting to see her.
She gets to come home next week, we are predicting Friday, but possibly Saturday. She has a ton of tests next week to make sure she is ready. I know I am, ha-ha. Thats it, not much else going on. Just a lot of nesting that I didn't get to do prior to her arrival.

NICU week 5- 2 to go.

This week has been both good and bad. Great for Kayla, bad for us.
Kayla has just been toting along, shes great. Growing like crazy. She is eating and gaining weight like crazy, she is about 5lbs 8oz now, which is great, and she is eating every 3 hours. She was eating ever 4 hours, but they think she hit a growth spurt. She has grown 2cm as well. Her last ultrasound showed that her hepatic mass has shrunk again, which is great, and her GGT test went from 155 to 121, so she is getting better every day. We are on the count down to bring her home. She is done her medication on the 14th of June and needs to have a blood culture done after that, which takes 48 hours, and once that, and the ultrasound come back good, then she can come home. I am not going to predict when though, because every time I do, something happens, so I am just going with the flow.
We, hubs and I, have been so sick with some nasty sinus infection, that we have not been able to see Kayla going on 4 days now, its awful not seeing her. I am heartbroken every day. I with this infection would just eff off.
That's it that's all.

NICU Week 4- 3 more weeks to go

It has been pretty uneventful lately. Kayla is doing very well. She was transferred to the PLC hospital, which is a LOT closer, and we are much more used to what goes on here, the nurses, the procedures. Kayla's mass seems to be shrinking, so she is still on antibiotics. The doctor was hopeful that she wouldn't have to be on the antibiotics for the full 6 weeks, but after consulting with the CDC again, they are going to continue them for the full course. I am fine with that, as we were in it for the long haul anyway, but I really do wish she was home. She keeps growing. She is about 5lbs 2oz, and grew 1 cm over night a few days ago, she just feels larger and longer. She is eating really well, up to 80mls a feed now, which is so awesome considering she was barely eating last week. We are pretty stress free right now, as far as Kayla is concerned anyway. 3 more weeks to go.

NICU Week 3

Not a heck of a lot went on this week.
Kayla may have brown eyes, although they are blue, as all newborns eyes are, she seems to have a brown or light brown hazel behind her blue hue. She has been awake a lot more and more active. She has been weaned from her TPN, which is basically food they give you through IV because she has been taking bottles really well. She does have problems with pacing her feeds and gulps them down like crazy and ends up having bradicardia, so you have to continue to take the bottle out of her mouth. She does seem eager to eat, but keeps falling asleep half-way through. She is doing well though. She currently weighs 2177grams, which is nearly 5lbs, but she has lost a little weight because she is tireing herself out so much while eating. She had an ultrasound on Tuesday for her liver, and her masses seem to have shrunk a little, and her blood work came back with lower liver enzyme levels, which is great, it means the antibiotics are working. They moved her from a "k-bed, or joey bed" which is made to hold a warming pad, and is now in a newborn cot, which is what they put them in when they are term babies, she also had her NG tube taken out of her nose, due to bottle feeding. She had a central line in her arm called a PIC line but it became inflammed and formed a fluid bubble, and also moved 2cms, so they had to take it out, and each attempt to put a new line in, but her veins keep collapsing. We were hoping to get her transfered to our local hospital (PLC) but they can't move her until she gets her new PIC line put in. Hopefully we will have her moved tomorrow, Friday at the latest.
She is doing really well. We have about 4 weeks left of hospital antibiotics, so still a bit of time.

NICU week 2.

My newborn is well traveled, for her first week of life. She got to ride in a helicopter to the Children's hospital, which is within the city, but because she was considered critical they decided to take her that way.

May 4th, Friday
Children's Hosp.
Kayla came to the Children's very ill, very lethargic. Her stomach was very distended, her jaundice kind of ran amuck and needed to be under phototherapy. Her liver mass was discovered to be multicystic instead of one large mass, and they couldn't do a biopsy until they were sure she didn't have an infection. They held off doing it until they knew more. By 24 hours, she was doing 90% better, her eyes were wide open, she was active and feisty. They nicknamed her Ginger because she has strawberry blonde hair with red highlights. The plan is to keep her on antibiotics for 2 weeks at this time. We were told that once the results come back she will likely be sent back to the original hospital. They did a lumbar puncture on her today.

May 5th, Saturday
Children's Hosp.
Kayla looks like a whole different baby today, so spry and happy. Something they are doing is working. Her tummy, though the same size, has shrunk a lot, it just looks better and less large. Restarted her feeds after 3 days NPO.

May 6th, Sunday
Foothills Hosp.
Kayla got transferred to the level 3 NICU at the Foot, which is where I did NOT want her to be, I have heard a lot of bad things about them, how they ignore the babies and how they never listen to the parents. So here is went in with a bad attitude, and they really didn't listen to me at first. I ended up having to call Patient relations and speaking to someone who could relay our "wishes" to the nurses. My parents came to visit her today, my dad, who is a 6 foot 5, 220lb man, held her, he looks like a giant next to her. His pointer finger is the same size as her entire arm, it was very surreal. Kayla is doing well today. We got no news or anything from her. Ran out of breastmilk, my body is no longer producing it.

May 7th, Monday
Kayla had a heart echo done today instead of her liver ultrasound, and I went apeshit crazy. No one would tell me why she had it done, or why they didn't do the liver u/s. I was spending the day with a girlfriend, trying to distract myself after such a stressful weekend while Chris went up and spent the day with her. No one would give him answers. So we ended up going later at night to discuss what the crap was going on. Turns out that the Echo was necessary, and they new it from the time she had her first assessment at intake, but no one would tell me why. She has a triscuspid valve defect, which is a birth defect, meaning sometimes she has a heart murmur, and some times she doesn't. The valve, that would normally open in three places, only opens in two because one of the flaps never separated. Apparently 15% of the population has it and normally live their entire lives without even knowing about it until they are in their 90's. She will need to follow up with a cardiologist throughout her life, but it doesn't affect her while in her current state.
Liver ultrasound booked for tomorrow. Her blood cultures came back normal, but her spinal tap came back with heightened white cells, the Neonatologist said it was normal for her since she is a preemie, but the infectious disease team thinks she needs to be treated for meningitis. But the neo said she will be on the same course of antibiotics for a longer duration anyway, so it will be dealt with as it is. They have decided to do a 6 week course of in hospital antibiotics, so we are in it for the long haul. When she started her antibiotics is where they count it from, so she has just over 6 weeks.

May 8th, Tuesday
Had a very long chat with the Neonatologist today. No news is good new. Getting her ultrasound results back tomorrow. She is over her birth weight today. She was originally 4lbs 5oz (they said 4lbs 7oz but weighed her with all her equipment on). And she is now back to 4lbs 5oz.

May 9th, Wednesday.
Liver ultrasound showed no real change, but she is getting better. They decided against doing a biopsy at this time and to just wait and see what the cysts are going to do. I think he said they will just keep monitoring it. I feel great about this at this time, good thing, she doesn't have to be put under or anything. Bad thing, its still multicystic and could harbour infection.

May 10th, Thursday
Baby girl is 2 weeks old today!
I was luckily enough to be there for rounds today, where all of the doctors meet and discuss your baby. There is no change, but she has been knocked down to only 2 antibiotics instead of 3 since her blood cultures were clean. She has a PIC line, which is a central line placed through her arm because her IVs keep blowing. They are going to do intermittent ultrasounds to keep an eye on her liver and see what happens. Waiting on whether they are going transfer her or not, but we aren't holding our breath.