The Ultrasound Tech was Wrong!

We went for our Fetal Echo today, to find out that our little princess does in fact has 3 vessels and 2 arteries in her umbilical cord. I can not tell you how relieved I am, and that she is perfect and healthy and growing well. She is measuring a week behind, but she is still within range, no lower then 21w4d. The technician I had today was a seasoned tech, she knew exactly what she was looking for. We also confirmed that she is a lady. Although they didnt let me keep the picture of her showing them off. I think its for legal reasons? But she has the 3 lines and no penis, so yeah. Happy happy happy Now we really have nothing to worry about, thank the Lord.
A good friend of mine offered to throw my baby shower, so excited to plan that. We are getting together this week to start planning. Not intending to have it until the end of April.
Isaac has learned to dress himself. I went to get his the other morning from his room and he was fully dressed and stated proudly to me "Look! I'm Handsome!" You sure are buddy. I love my little family.

The Hormonal Fog is Clearing

Wow, I was in a pretty dark place the other day. I had a bad 3-4 days there, just feeling like my world was crashing down on me. Luckily I was able to vent to a friend and get it all off my chest, and I have felt so much better since. Hubby and I had a good chat and spent some alone time together too last night. I have just had so much on my plate without the ability of taking a break and it was just piling on top of me.
Today was a good day, Isaac and I went down to our lower lever (we have a 4 level split) and helped me put the nursery together. He helped take packaging off bottles and such, we organized the shelf in the babies room, and we cleared the clutter out. He was such a big help. 3 is such a good age. It was a nice break from sitting on the couch sucked into the computer or TV for the time we were down there. We then played with some toys and I watched him ride his bike in circles in the basement. When I feel the nursery is almost complete, or when hubs finally brings the crib over from his parents basement and we set it up, then I will take pictures and post them of the nursery. Have my fetal echo ultrasound on the 13th, so I will update then. ttfn :D

10 years, pregnancy depression and grief.

10 Years ago, February 7th, after 36 hours of irregular contractions, slow progress and 7 hours of pushing; I welcomed my first born child into this world. He was 7lbs and 12oz, he was long, had giant hands, a beautiful smile, blue eyes and blonde hair. He was the product of two people, who when he was conceived, loved eachother very much, but grew apart and lived seperate lives. His mother was a 17 year old highschool drop out who was not ready to let go of her daddy and become a mother on her own. She made mistakes and took highschool love for granted. She made the hardest decision in her life to give this child everything she could not give him. If you could raise a baby on love, we would have been set. I had so much love for him. I placed him for open adoption. I named him, Michael Brennen, I recieved documents with his name on them, I kept his bracelets, blankets....but this loss of a child, though I took it all home in a box, I was able to see whenever I please. I didn't. I completely disassosiated myself from him, afraid of interfearing. I did go to his christening, I hosted to a presentation at my old highschool about adoption with him and his adopted mom, since it was so taboo there. He was only a few weeks old, maybe 4 months at the most. Then I didn't see him until his 1st birthday....Then not again until he was 5. Not that I didn't keep in touch. But as I said, I was afraid of interfearing.
For some reason I find this incredibly bittersweet. It was as if my adult life started me out for loss. This loss is not one I have ever gotten over though. It still hurts, but its a different hurt, the pain isnt sharp anymore, its a dull ache in my heart that only apprears sometimes.... But it does mark an entire decade of trying to become a mother....I have more or less been pregnant for 10 years. We have a good relationship now, especially since having Isaac, they share an awesome bond.
On the topic of loss. I am hurting more and more each day. I feel selfish for grieving over Alexander. That I am not allowed to for some reason. But, I have reached that point of inability to hold it in anymore. I cry, and I am angry and I hate it. My eyes are never dry, and my heart aches all the time. My husband doesn't get it. It sucks to feel this way all the time.