Why Do I Keep Putting Myself Through This?!

What you read here needs to been kept between you and my blog. I know not a lot of people read this, but if you know me on facebook or in real life, please do not mention anything, as we are not telling our entire family until well after 12-15 weeks (mid December 2011).

The Beginning,shhh
Oct 22, 2011
Well, I have a secret and have been holding it in since October 5th. It started with me feeling funny and tired, and not feeling like myself. I also had these nasty cramps, I thought maybe Aunt-flo was coming early, which is bizarre for me, I usually have cycles from 35-45 days, never earlier unless I'm on birth control. So, after telling hubby I wasn't feeling good we both decided to get a pregnancy test just to see, and maybe it will trick my brain into making Aunt-flo come. This is a normal occurrence for women who have been trying to get pregnant, its almost like your brain will think you are pregnant until you test and see that negative, then she will come now that you are more at ease and know.
Hubby went out at 10pm to the local drug store to buy me a pregnancy test. He says, "Don't worry if its negative, Im expecting it". So up the stairs to the bathroom I went. I did my thing, replaced the cap, washed my hands, turned off the light and walked down the stairs to the kitchen where I was about to toss the test in the garbage....wait a minute. There are two pink fricken lines on this thing?! The first thing I think is maybe I still have some pregnancy hormone in my body left over from before, but no...I have had 2 cycles since then, meaning the hormone is gone...So...Omg, this means we are pregnant! I nearly threw up right then and there.
The next day I called the OB, who is the one to oversee my pregnancy (to see an ob in early pregnancy isn't the "norm" in Canada until 25 weeks). She sent me for bloodwork on the 6th, the same day my root canal was being filled, it was a great nerve racking day. Then I went again on October 8th. I didn't get any results until the 11th as Oct 10th was Canadian thanksgiving. They weren't good, so we were all concerned. They were still within the "normal" range but the numbers are supposed to double every 48 hours in early pregnancy and the numbers were very low. The first being 31 and the second being 50. So I was scheduled for bloodwork again on the 18th, so we could also predict when i could get an ultrasound. I went on Oct 18th and received the results on the 19th. If they were doubling at the same 66hr rate as before, they should have been at about 500, however, they decided to jump and reached an impressive 2589! Sure, we speculated twins for a day or so, lol, but hcg numbers really have nothing to do with that. When the nurse called on the 19th she also gave me an appointment time for an ultrasound.

You have to think now... Its only been 3, almost 4 months since Alexander left us. I am in utter shock. I also have no symptoms other then a tiny bit of nausea and heartburn. We were also not trying at all, we had decided to put this off until after Christmas so there would be less stress, i find it odd that I didnt need to track anything or write anything down and it happened completely on its own.

So... I had my ultrasound on Friday the 21st. Hubby came but wasn't allowed in since they had to do an internal. And baby bean measured a perfect 6 weeks 0days. Crown-rump length of 3.2mm and a nice starting heart rate of 95bpm. My little grain of rice. So, here we are, in this beginning stages of limbo yet again, and only time will tell how this will turn out. I have put in a lot of faith in God with this. I basically have left it in his hands, and since doing that, I have surprisingly been very calm and collective, feeling very normal and not wincing at every nudge and ache. I feel really good so far.
The next steps is to get the ultrasound results, which I know are good, but the technician was going to recommend another one in 2 weeks. Then I should be getting the cerclage around 12-13 weeks. (the cervical stitch). I am really nervous about that as they need to do a spinal anesthetic, and I am terrified of needles in my back. I have laboured naturally 3 times because I would rather feel the pain of that then ever have a needle in my back, but whatever I guess, there has to be a point in your life that you have to face your worst fears at least once.
Today I would be 6weeks and 1 day pregnant. Please keep us in your thoughts an prayers that my body, and my mind don't face yet another tragedy. This is the last time I will endure this.



Why Do They Make You Panic?
Post #2 October 28, 2011.
So, on Tuesday my OB called and said they didn't see everything they wanted to see on the last ultrasound, so they sent me back again. I ended up having some spotting this week too, probably from the ultrasound last week, but its still a shock to see blood. So, the ultrasound went well. I still have a bean in there, measuring between 6 weeks 4 days and 6 weeks 6 days, so technically only a day behind from last week, but it was a different technician and a different machine, and since the baby was so tiny last week the measurements may have been a little off. The have estimated my due date for June 16/ 2012. So the little heartbeat was 116bpm, which is perfect for the gestational age, and the crown-rump length was 7.2mm. the miscarriage percentage went do to 30% for us, but there is still a long way to go before we are out of the woods. Each new week is a milestone.


Worry-warts
Post #3- November 3rd, 2011
Well, I have had some spotting off and on for about a week, and after trick or treating with Isaac on Monday I started to have a little heavier bleeding. Then on Wednesday, the 2nd, I had clotting and some horrible cramps right in the center of my uterus. I again am feeling devistated, but I need to remain positive before I know for sure. I finally called my OB office, and the wonderful nurse booked me for a peace of mind ultrasound for Monday, November 7th. I will update then.

As Always, Everything is Okay
Post #4 November 7, 2011.
As usual, everything is fine. I have made the decision to post this today, since 8 weeks is past our first mile stone. This by no means we are out of the woods at all, it just means that the baby is healthy and growing so far, still a long road ahead. I have an appointment with the OB on November 15th. I have some questions to ask her about blood clotting mutations in my blood and to see if i should be on blood thinners other then asprin. All is well though, still taking things day by day.
8 weeks 3 days, heartbeating 171 bpm

October 15th. Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberence Day

Today was filled with more significance then it ever has for me. Today was the day of The Calgary Pregnancy and Infant Loss Memorial Service.
Today we honoured and remembered Alexander.
We started the day at Safeway, where we bought a beautiful bouquet of "crazy daisies" Which has significance to me, both the flowers from our wedding and the flowers my husband bought me when we passed out 12 week mark with Alexander. While in the parking lot off in the distance, over the cemetery, there was this beautiful cloud formation with rays of sunshine shining thorough. Also significant to me, something I have always taken as a sign from God that there is peace among us.

We arrived at the Chapel at 10am and lit a candle in remembrance. We then sat and listened to the service. Isaac was very good, he listened well and asked all kind of questions and remained quiet when others spoke. We received a single Carnation and a smoothed natural quartz rock with Alexanders name on it. We then went to the Silent Hopes garden and buried the ashes of all the passed babies from the last year. We finished the symbolism by sprinkling sand on the ashes, and a closing prayer.


It was beautiful. Such an amazing day for us, the feeling of peace and comfort. There was also a Proclamation plaque from the city mayor the stated that the City of Calgary recognised October 15th as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, which means a lot to loss parents.

We also lit a candle at 7pm during what is called the Wave of Light, which everyone affected by a loss, across the world, at 7pm, also light a candle in remembrance.


A chapter in my life is closed. Amen.

Autumn

The season has changed. It's been 3+ months since Alex's passing. The hardest part is that my step-sister, bless her soul, Is due 2 days sooner then I was, and her pregnancy is chugging right along, she is having a boy as well and she just passed 31 weeks. Its kind of a heartbreaker really, but I can't expect the whole world to stop having babies just because I am a little depressed over something completely out of my control. I am genuinely very happy for her and and boyfriend, they will be awesome parents.
I became an Aunt on September 3rd to my younger brother D and his fiancee T, they had a beautiful little boy named Tristan. Isaac thinks all these babies are pretty cool, he loves pregnant bellies.
I have been getting out more, I had to stop seeing my bestfriend, her life was just to dramatic for me, after 15 years of being by each others side, I noticed that I really don't have many friend, her an I were so close we had no need to have others in our lives, but we have truly grown apart. So I have been opening myself up to other people I haven't spoken to in a long time and that have more in common with me. I re acquainted myself with a Friend from Juniour High school who has a son who is only a year older then Isaac, and an old friend I have actually known since I we were 4, who has an 8 year old daughter and is expecting a second daughter in Jan 2012. Its been really nice to have other people to talk to and relate too. I feel much less alone.

The Decision.
So, we decided we are going to attempt to have another baby. Not to replace Alexander, but to fill the hole of wanting another child. We have both spent a lot of time discussing this and both feel that this is what we want. We are already unofficially trying at this point, we call it "Not trying but not preventing". I have had pretty regular cycles since July but my ovulation pattern is very erratic, some times early, late or not at all. I absolutely hated this part the 4 years prior to Isaac, never knowing for sure, and using kits and temping is so hard on my psyche. If we aren't pregnant by January then we will do all that stuff I suppose, we are really just taking it day by day, wait for Isaac's 3rd birthday to pass and Christmas before we add the stress. I am pretty sure I will be a parent again, I really don't see why not. Anyhow, that's my news. Take care.