3+ Weeks, and doing ok.

Its been 3 weeks and 3 days since Baby Alex passed away, some days are better then others, but I seems to be doing ok. I didn't want to automatically go on anti-depressants just to see if I could handle and deal with things on my own on my own terms, and some days are hard, but seriously, I don't have any more stress then I normally would. I sometimes feel like I don't get to grieve, but I do, I have had a few good cries in the night after Isaac goes to sleep. My husband has been a real rock for me over the last few weeks too, hes so great and is really the only one who can truly understand what our family is going through.
As far as TTC goes, we are really on the fence. We will go to the obgyn to get results and to see what we need to do if it happens, but as far as things go at this point in time, I am very much not ready to take that step again. I only ever wanted 3 children, and God gave me 3 children, although I only parent one, maybe that's the way it is meant to be. I feel like I have supplied heaven with a football team, and I am getting pretty sick of it. I am angry in a way, of course. I have no one to place blame on so I just sit and stew on it. I think it is totally unfair that my family was chosen to suffer such loss. I know there are people out there who have suffered worse, but right now I am very focused on me. I think it is unfair to always have my children taken away from me, and I have become very very very protective over Isaac lately. My husband, thank God, understands and thinks that it is very normal.
I feel alone a lot, my bff and I aren't getting to see each other often. She recently had her 3rd child on June 16th and her husband and I had a falling out, so we are speaking to each other on the down low. My mom isn't here either, when I feel I need her most, but such is life, she was recently laid-off from her job so she has no means to visit right now. My step mother has taken the summer off, but I really haven't taken the opportunity to see her. I think in a way, though I need to be around people, I feel better being alone, I have always been like that, as long as Chris is around once in a while for me to break down on. Isaac has been better too. He was very hard to deal with at first, he was very much grieving too, but i think since he is so young, he kind of stopped getting upset and asking where the baby was. He doesn't still ask, but doesn't get angry anymore and has returned to his fun little self. Anyhow, that's all I really have to update on right now.

One week later.....

Ugh, I am not doing well at all. It seems that all of the grief I have had from the last 7 years is coming straight at me again. I am mourning all of my losses, with Alex being the strongest. I feel like I am a giant open wound. My heart has a big piece missing from it and I feel so lonely and empty. It has been so difficult dealing with Isaac, he is grieving in his own little way and is taking it out as anger, and since he is only 2, mom is the brunt of it.
I cry non stop. I am so lonely. I miss Chris. He has to work all day, so I don't get to see him until after 6, then all we do is sit and I cry.
I have started getting angry, especially at my body. I have a lot of extra weight, and I want it all gone, get off of me, like dirt. I have barely been able to eat as it is, so I am sure it won't take much to get that all off. I am mad at my reproductiveness. I am mad that my body gave out on me, and I hate myself for it. I am probably the lowest of the low, but still, remembering that I have a family that needs me, and cares so much for me, so its not like I am going to go do something stupid. I really have a lot to live for.
The days are difficult. I close my eyes and I see my baby. I cry at everything.

I know there are brighter days ahead, this is definitely not the be all and end all, there is a whole future to look forward to. My dear son that I do have, he is growing so fast and is so smart, before I know it he will be graduating from highschool. Isaac is truly my life, he is and has been my everything.

Ok, this is just ramblings now. Basically I still feel a lot of pain, though he was only here for a short 4 months, Alex was already very much a part of me, someone who took me a long time to get used to, finally letting myself get used to the idea of being pregnant again, and that everything was going to be ok, but then I got it all swiped from under me. It hurts. A lot.

Alexander Michael, in memoriam.

In Memoriam

June 28th
I had this nagging ache, really just irritating, nothing I was to concerned about. It progressed and got worse. I put off going to the doctors. It got worse.
Around midnight we headed to the hospital emergency. Once there I noticed there was a huge group of people waiting, and figured my problem was no more then a bad bladder infection. We headed back home to see the doctor over the next few days.

June 29
I woke up, and the pain was way worse. We made it to the hospital about 11:30am, but I was not checked in until 1:30 in the afternoon. They have this "Pre-emerg" area at our hospital where they assess you before they figure out where they put you. I had a informal ultrasound and got to see my little guy suck his thumb, the baby was perfectly fine, but they wanted to check other things like a bladder infection, or cervical infection, possible appendix...

They booked me for a formal ultrasound so I got put in the "Rapid Action Zone" where they sit you in a reclining chair until a doctor sees you. I needed fluid to do the ultrasound so they started me an IV and I sat until 4pm. The ultrasound seemed to take a really long time, I was viewed, then he would go, then come back, then go. The baby looked good, measured 17 weeks. Had a heart rate of 155 beats a minute, but they spotted contractions. I had two of them while I laid there for an hour. They did check my cervix, and stated that it was about 2.4 cm long, which he said was average, and closed. They were also thinking appendix. So, this pain is getting more intense as we speak. I got back to the RAZ unit, they told me they would be doing a pelvic exam but had to wait until the privacy room ( a room with walls and a door rather then a curtain or a recliner) was cleaned, there had been another woman with pregnancy issues in that room.

About 6pm they got me into the room, and I laid down for the pelvic exam. The doctor inserted the speculum, and instantly said to the nurse in the room, "We need to get gynie down here NOW". Then he turned to me and said they yes, my cervix was opened, and there were membranes protruding from the cervix. We assume the pain was contractions in my cervix pushing on the membranes. I instantly fell apart. I assumed there was something they could do, but he noted that you really cannot push something that's outside of the body back in without risking extreme infection. The nurse said not to give up hope, that doctors work miracles now-a-days, and maybe they can do something. I asked for the on call social worked, since Chris was at home with Isaac, and I asked for spiritual council, and they both came and kept me company. I called Chris and told him to take Isaac to my dads for the night and get over here as soon as possible. The social worker was very helpful, she got me what I needed, kept me company and kept me sane. The Reverend was wonderful, we mostly just talked to each other, he also kept me calm and shared some stories and insight with me.
I had gotten up to change position and I gushed blood. Not a good sign.

So Chris came and had it explained to him what was happened. We were diagnosed with an Incompetent Cervix, where the cervix can no long hold the weight of the pregnancy, or gets an infection and causes contractions. We were told that since we were bleeding there really was no good news, and that we were in labour. I got up and went to the washroom, and as I came back to the room I had a contraction that made me scream. We got me back onto the bed, where I got really nauseous and asked Chris for the bucket, and as I gagged my water broke. There went any hope we had had at all.
They moved us to another unit in the ER, where there were more private rooms and was specific to gynecological issues. They were waiting for a bed to open in the OB unit, where I would be birthing. Around 11pm I got to the room upstairs. I was so sad, so upset. Chris by my side the whole time. I had a contraction that had the entire nursing unit at my bedside.

June 30th
They made me comfortable, told me what to expect, gave me the "Morphine button" and gravol for my nausea, as well as antibiotics. We decided that we wanted to move things along, since my contractions were useless and so far apart, so they placed an octagonal pill in my cervix and I lied still for half an hour. Then I got tight zapping pains back to back. I had got up again, to go to the washroom, layed back down and felt something there in my groin, so we called the doctor, and they agreed that it would not be long, and literally less then 20 mins it started happening. It was very difficult. I did not have an "push" in me, not strong enough contractions, so I had to do it on my own

We did it. The baby was born still, no doubt, he was only 17 weeks, at 3:45am. He was beautiful for what he was. He looked perfectly human, developed. but he was red. But he had features and he was smiling. He looked a lot like Isaac did when he was born. He also had a smile on his face. And to me, that was the most amazing thing. We named him Alexander Michael.

I bearly had time to think and I started gushing blood, it was so bad that I saw stars, hear that high pitched whine and followed the white light. Between where the bed was, to being wheeled to the door, I passed out. I woke up in the ER where they were setting me up for surgery. They calmed me down and I remember waking up in recovery and the nurses yelling at me to breath every couple of seconds. Every time I would start to fall asleep I would stop breathing.
I got back to my room and was told I would have to stay for another day since my white blood cells were sky high and I needed IV antibiotics. I was very upset.

Chris and I decided to have the baby cremated and placed in a communal garden for stillborn babies. I wanted him to be with other babies. We got to spend 12 hours with him though. We said our prayers, gave him our love and tried to let him go physically as best we could. We kissed him good by, and Chris took him out of the room to the nurse.
We got to keep a box of keepsakes, a tiny teddybear, a tiny hat, an outfit that never would have fit him. A beautiful knit blanket. A card with his footprints, a certificate of life and various odds and ends, a card, bracelets.

The experience, as I wrote it, is easy. To relive it in my mind it was to difficult. I believe that I did give birth to a baby, as young as he was, he had everything he needed, they just weren't as developed as it needed to be. He is a son, I birthed him. He is Isaac's brother. I do love him, and I loved seeing him, and being with him. It is still very surreal, and I have yet to experience it completely. I still have a ton of grieving to do. I appreciate the experience, but sure do wish I could have my full term baby in my arms at home with me.

God Speed baby Alex. Carry on my wayward son.