Alexander Michael, in memoriam.

In Memoriam

June 28th
I had this nagging ache, really just irritating, nothing I was to concerned about. It progressed and got worse. I put off going to the doctors. It got worse.
Around midnight we headed to the hospital emergency. Once there I noticed there was a huge group of people waiting, and figured my problem was no more then a bad bladder infection. We headed back home to see the doctor over the next few days.

June 29
I woke up, and the pain was way worse. We made it to the hospital about 11:30am, but I was not checked in until 1:30 in the afternoon. They have this "Pre-emerg" area at our hospital where they assess you before they figure out where they put you. I had a informal ultrasound and got to see my little guy suck his thumb, the baby was perfectly fine, but they wanted to check other things like a bladder infection, or cervical infection, possible appendix...

They booked me for a formal ultrasound so I got put in the "Rapid Action Zone" where they sit you in a reclining chair until a doctor sees you. I needed fluid to do the ultrasound so they started me an IV and I sat until 4pm. The ultrasound seemed to take a really long time, I was viewed, then he would go, then come back, then go. The baby looked good, measured 17 weeks. Had a heart rate of 155 beats a minute, but they spotted contractions. I had two of them while I laid there for an hour. They did check my cervix, and stated that it was about 2.4 cm long, which he said was average, and closed. They were also thinking appendix. So, this pain is getting more intense as we speak. I got back to the RAZ unit, they told me they would be doing a pelvic exam but had to wait until the privacy room ( a room with walls and a door rather then a curtain or a recliner) was cleaned, there had been another woman with pregnancy issues in that room.

About 6pm they got me into the room, and I laid down for the pelvic exam. The doctor inserted the speculum, and instantly said to the nurse in the room, "We need to get gynie down here NOW". Then he turned to me and said they yes, my cervix was opened, and there were membranes protruding from the cervix. We assume the pain was contractions in my cervix pushing on the membranes. I instantly fell apart. I assumed there was something they could do, but he noted that you really cannot push something that's outside of the body back in without risking extreme infection. The nurse said not to give up hope, that doctors work miracles now-a-days, and maybe they can do something. I asked for the on call social worked, since Chris was at home with Isaac, and I asked for spiritual council, and they both came and kept me company. I called Chris and told him to take Isaac to my dads for the night and get over here as soon as possible. The social worker was very helpful, she got me what I needed, kept me company and kept me sane. The Reverend was wonderful, we mostly just talked to each other, he also kept me calm and shared some stories and insight with me.
I had gotten up to change position and I gushed blood. Not a good sign.

So Chris came and had it explained to him what was happened. We were diagnosed with an Incompetent Cervix, where the cervix can no long hold the weight of the pregnancy, or gets an infection and causes contractions. We were told that since we were bleeding there really was no good news, and that we were in labour. I got up and went to the washroom, and as I came back to the room I had a contraction that made me scream. We got me back onto the bed, where I got really nauseous and asked Chris for the bucket, and as I gagged my water broke. There went any hope we had had at all.
They moved us to another unit in the ER, where there were more private rooms and was specific to gynecological issues. They were waiting for a bed to open in the OB unit, where I would be birthing. Around 11pm I got to the room upstairs. I was so sad, so upset. Chris by my side the whole time. I had a contraction that had the entire nursing unit at my bedside.

June 30th
They made me comfortable, told me what to expect, gave me the "Morphine button" and gravol for my nausea, as well as antibiotics. We decided that we wanted to move things along, since my contractions were useless and so far apart, so they placed an octagonal pill in my cervix and I lied still for half an hour. Then I got tight zapping pains back to back. I had got up again, to go to the washroom, layed back down and felt something there in my groin, so we called the doctor, and they agreed that it would not be long, and literally less then 20 mins it started happening. It was very difficult. I did not have an "push" in me, not strong enough contractions, so I had to do it on my own

We did it. The baby was born still, no doubt, he was only 17 weeks, at 3:45am. He was beautiful for what he was. He looked perfectly human, developed. but he was red. But he had features and he was smiling. He looked a lot like Isaac did when he was born. He also had a smile on his face. And to me, that was the most amazing thing. We named him Alexander Michael.

I bearly had time to think and I started gushing blood, it was so bad that I saw stars, hear that high pitched whine and followed the white light. Between where the bed was, to being wheeled to the door, I passed out. I woke up in the ER where they were setting me up for surgery. They calmed me down and I remember waking up in recovery and the nurses yelling at me to breath every couple of seconds. Every time I would start to fall asleep I would stop breathing.
I got back to my room and was told I would have to stay for another day since my white blood cells were sky high and I needed IV antibiotics. I was very upset.

Chris and I decided to have the baby cremated and placed in a communal garden for stillborn babies. I wanted him to be with other babies. We got to spend 12 hours with him though. We said our prayers, gave him our love and tried to let him go physically as best we could. We kissed him good by, and Chris took him out of the room to the nurse.
We got to keep a box of keepsakes, a tiny teddybear, a tiny hat, an outfit that never would have fit him. A beautiful knit blanket. A card with his footprints, a certificate of life and various odds and ends, a card, bracelets.

The experience, as I wrote it, is easy. To relive it in my mind it was to difficult. I believe that I did give birth to a baby, as young as he was, he had everything he needed, they just weren't as developed as it needed to be. He is a son, I birthed him. He is Isaac's brother. I do love him, and I loved seeing him, and being with him. It is still very surreal, and I have yet to experience it completely. I still have a ton of grieving to do. I appreciate the experience, but sure do wish I could have my full term baby in my arms at home with me.

God Speed baby Alex. Carry on my wayward son.

Mid June

Oh man, I feel great today. I have so much energy, I just feel fabulous! Today I am 14 weeks pregnant according to my Dec 11th due date. Things have been fantastic, I have had minimal spotting, nearly no morning sickness so far, only gained 4 lbs in the first trimester, and my blood pressure has dropped to normal. Pregnancy does me good.
I am in the second trimester now, which is great, we have passed the first critical stages of pregnancy. I have relaxed a lot, and am taking it in. Getting excited. We have out gender scan booked for July 12, so a month to the day away.
Celebrated my 6th wedding anniversary yesterday. It was uneventful. We went out for dinner with Isaac and then went home, Isaac fell asleep on the way home so we had some us time. Hubby had to work until 6, when he should have been off at 3, so that put a damper on us having more time together, but it was really nice.
Isaac has become a big helper, he has been cleaning up after himself, helping sweep the floor, vacuuming, dusting, dressing himself (kinda). Its really sweet that he wants to help so much. He is becoming aware that a baby is coming, he gets that there is a baby in my tummy, but frequently forgets. Luckily my bff is 9 months pregnant, so he has go to see her belly grow, then over the next week or so he will understand that belly means baby. He is excited.
We ha vent bought anything, I really don't know when the appropriate time is to do that. I think I will wait until our next ultrasound so we know what we are having and what condition the pregnancy is in. Then again, maybe not, we might just start doing it now. ?. I did buy a couple paci's and a 3 pack of onesies that were onsale. Thats it so far though.
Anyhow, that is all. Waiting for my bff to have her baby, she just hit 39 weeks and no baby yet, which I think is pretty good for baby #3. Both her girls were 5lbs, this big boy will be atleast 7lbs. She says it is due to less stress in her life, which I agree with.

Until next time :).S

Good News and Bad News

Well, lets start with the good news first. I had an ultrasound today to check on the baby from having some heavy bleeding a few weeks ago. I discovered that there is a cute little baby human in there, measuring 11wks and 4 days. So cute, so special. Its heartbeat is in the 170's still and things look healthy as far as the baby is concerned. However... There is a clot, a big one, on top of the placenta. This could potentially cause a miscarriage by placenta abrupto, when the placenta seperates from the wall of the uterus. I have an ultrasound in July to check on it. Nothing can be done. I am assuming its from the moron "resident" doctor that tugged harder then hell on my cord after Isaac was born and left a huge chunck of placenta inside of me that I had to go to the hospital emerg for a D&C and infection a month later. I am in pain, but I think its psychosymatic, because I was feel fantastic before that. Anyhow, thats my news.

Hello Baby, nice to finally see you!

I had an ultrasound today, and glory be, there is a baby in there! I am measuring 8weeks and 2 days, changing my due date to December 13th, and its little heartbeat is 176bpm, I cried, and I giggled like a school girl. I am so relieved. AMEN!

Getting mentally sick of pregnancy limbo.

Omgoodness, I am so sick of this...
So, on Easter Sunday, April 24, I passed some tissue, which is normally a huge indicator of miscarriage, then I had a day of somewhat heavy bleeding... However, I now feel excellent, I have minor cramps that feel like normal pregnancy related cramps, my breasts are sensitive and my moods and sense of smell are through the roof. Hubby thinks I may of had a cyst or fibroid that my body really did not want in the baby zone. I am still cautiously optimistic, I still have no feelings towards this pregnancy, I am numb to it, but I am so sick and tired of going through this, I wish it would happen or I would stay pregnant, I wish it wasn't a 12 hour wait at the hospital to get an ER ultrasound, I wish doctors showed more compassion towards women who think there is something wrong with their babies. I just want this horror to be over, to know for sure, to see a heartbeat or not see it, and to move on with my life. I have my final blood test on Monday May 2nd to see if the numbers are still raising. If they are then I wait for an ultrasound until my nuchal scan somewhere around 12 weeks, but I am going to plead with my doctor that I need something done now before I go nuts and do something stupid, because my emotions are really sick of being toyed with. I get results on Tuesday, if I have time to, i will update then, or Wednesday.

WTF? I am so confused.

I went and did some bloodwork on the 18th of April, just to make sure my numbers were ok or going down, low and behold, they raised!!! Right where they should be for how pregnant I am, so freaking amazing! I am still being cautious, I have cramping, and ms.klutz that I am, fell down my bff's stairs at her babyshower on Sunday, so I am hoping the pain I have is just from falling and not from losing the baby. But as far as I am concerned and the doctor; I am pregnant, and if anything happens from this point on, I really can't stop it from happening, so enjoy it while I have it. I have made it at a good point as far as my losses are concerned, I will be 7 weeks tomorrow. Yay. :). I have another bloodtest on May 2nd, and also have to do a glucose tolerence test the same day, then I have to get an u/s booked. Will update as I know more :).

Again....Sigh

So,I started getting this annoying cramping, and had some pink staining, nothing that I was to worried about, until yesterday when I lost all of my symptoms and started bleeding and passing clots. Sorry, TMI, I know. But its whats going on. I think it is safe to say, with the amount of pain I am in, that I am miscarrying yet again. I'm kind of numb, I am upset but not...Its hard to explain, maybe because I really don't have time to crawl into a ball and cry my face off? I don't know. We have decided I am going to lose a bunch of weight again and see if I can get my cycles to return without the help of birthcontrol pills. On top of it all it rained then snowed that heavy snow last night, I found it kind of ironic.
Anyhow, have a thyroid appointment today. Just a regular check up for nodulars (Its genetic). I hope that can atleast give me good news.