Ugh, I am not doing well at all. It seems that all of the grief I have had from the last 7 years is coming straight at me again. I am mourning all of my losses, with Alex being the strongest. I feel like I am a giant open wound. My heart has a big piece missing from it and I feel so lonely and empty. It has been so difficult dealing with Isaac, he is grieving in his own little way and is taking it out as anger, and since he is only 2, mom is the brunt of it.
I cry non stop. I am so lonely. I miss Chris. He has to work all day, so I don't get to see him until after 6, then all we do is sit and I cry.
I have started getting angry, especially at my body. I have a lot of extra weight, and I want it all gone, get off of me, like dirt. I have barely been able to eat as it is, so I am sure it won't take much to get that all off. I am mad at my reproductiveness. I am mad that my body gave out on me, and I hate myself for it. I am probably the lowest of the low, but still, remembering that I have a family that needs me, and cares so much for me, so its not like I am going to go do something stupid. I really have a lot to live for.
The days are difficult. I close my eyes and I see my baby. I cry at everything.
I know there are brighter days ahead, this is definitely not the be all and end all, there is a whole future to look forward to. My dear son that I do have, he is growing so fast and is so smart, before I know it he will be graduating from highschool. Isaac is truly my life, he is and has been my everything.
Ok, this is just ramblings now. Basically I still feel a lot of pain, though he was only here for a short 4 months, Alex was already very much a part of me, someone who took me a long time to get used to, finally letting myself get used to the idea of being pregnant again, and that everything was going to be ok, but then I got it all swiped from under me. It hurts. A lot.
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