3+ Weeks, and doing ok.

Its been 3 weeks and 3 days since Baby Alex passed away, some days are better then others, but I seems to be doing ok. I didn't want to automatically go on anti-depressants just to see if I could handle and deal with things on my own on my own terms, and some days are hard, but seriously, I don't have any more stress then I normally would. I sometimes feel like I don't get to grieve, but I do, I have had a few good cries in the night after Isaac goes to sleep. My husband has been a real rock for me over the last few weeks too, hes so great and is really the only one who can truly understand what our family is going through.
As far as TTC goes, we are really on the fence. We will go to the obgyn to get results and to see what we need to do if it happens, but as far as things go at this point in time, I am very much not ready to take that step again. I only ever wanted 3 children, and God gave me 3 children, although I only parent one, maybe that's the way it is meant to be. I feel like I have supplied heaven with a football team, and I am getting pretty sick of it. I am angry in a way, of course. I have no one to place blame on so I just sit and stew on it. I think it is totally unfair that my family was chosen to suffer such loss. I know there are people out there who have suffered worse, but right now I am very focused on me. I think it is unfair to always have my children taken away from me, and I have become very very very protective over Isaac lately. My husband, thank God, understands and thinks that it is very normal.
I feel alone a lot, my bff and I aren't getting to see each other often. She recently had her 3rd child on June 16th and her husband and I had a falling out, so we are speaking to each other on the down low. My mom isn't here either, when I feel I need her most, but such is life, she was recently laid-off from her job so she has no means to visit right now. My step mother has taken the summer off, but I really haven't taken the opportunity to see her. I think in a way, though I need to be around people, I feel better being alone, I have always been like that, as long as Chris is around once in a while for me to break down on. Isaac has been better too. He was very hard to deal with at first, he was very much grieving too, but i think since he is so young, he kind of stopped getting upset and asking where the baby was. He doesn't still ask, but doesn't get angry anymore and has returned to his fun little self. Anyhow, that's all I really have to update on right now.